ERIC’S SONGBOOK

As a kid, I always wished upon a star.  I was led to believe that these stars represent the souls of the faithful departed, now up in the heavens, guiding us with their light.  When the human spirit has received some beating for quite some time, the path towards recovery could be long and winding.  The journey is longer than what I have expected.  Eight months is quite a long time.  Prayers are answered sooner or later and the balance that I have missed in the past year is something that I have regained.  My prayer for deliverance is being answered one day at a time, so far so good.  Life is not perfect and it is not easy as it seems but I’m glad that the company of family and true friends goes a long way.  They are the stars that have been responsible for leading me out of disillusionment.

It has taken me over a month to compose another blog entry, hopefully, of good sense since I was so preoccupied in finding my spiritual center once more.  Life has offered me a healthy dose of hollow promises before but now I have gained the strength to take it all in.  If ever I find myself in some new place, some new adventure and some new chapter in my life, facing a similar predicament, now I know that I am better equipped, emotionally and spiritually.

I am back in the block again.  I am ready to face the world again.  I have so many activities lined up that I am on my toes all the time.  I spend weekends with my family and friends again.  I am excited to buy new CDs again.  I am seeing good movies again.  And if you are one cynic about to dampen my day, you oughta get out of my damn way.  Heck, I am excited to get Michael Jackson’s "Thriller 25" next week, the 25th anniversary edition of the biggest selling album of all time.  Ahhhhhhhhhh, the memories of my childhood.  I still remember my dad coming home from work with a cassette of "Thriller" which he bought from the now defunct Music Nook in Makati Cinema Square.  He would play it in our 1979 flesh coloured Mitsubishi Lancer with plate number NDM-952.

My soul has fed on the meaning of these two songs for a while.  The first one is by the Canadian songwriter-singer, Amanda Marshall, called "Believe In You" from her 1999 album "Tuesday’s Child".  This song goes out to all my family and friends.  She hits the right note in me when she sang that some people can’t move ahead since they are paralyzed with fear.  Roosevelt once said that the only thing that we have to fear is fear itself.  In this life, the truth is that if you do not believe in yourself, no one else ever will.  The next song is called "Star" by Bryan Adams from one of my favorite movies "Jack" which stars Robin Williams.  I have always figured that my twenties is passing me by faster than what I have expected and I have always felt the need to make the most out of it.  Just like Jack, who aged four times the normal rate, I have matured four times as much over the years.  People will always see me as a kid, but don’t be deceived by my innocent-looking smile and my childlike ways, I have a story to tell of a boy who became a father to his kid brother at a tender age of 25 and how he survived the test of time and fate.  I hope whatever stars are up there, I would find whatever it is that I’m looking for in my life.  "Star" is a song I wholeheartedly and selfishly dedicate to this kid named Eric.

Believe in You - Amanda Marshall (1999)

Somewhere there’s a river
Looking for a stream
Somewhere there’s a dreamer
Looking for a dream
Somewhere there’s a drifter
Trying to find his way
Somewhere someone’s waiting
To hear somebody say

I believe in you
I can’t even count the ways that
I believe in you
And all I want to do is show you
I believe in you
And there are just so many ways that
I believe in you
Baby, what else can I do but believe in you
Believe in you
All I want to know is you believe
Believe in you

Bryan Adams - "Star" (1996)

What cha wanna be - when you grow up
What cha gonna do - when your time is up
What cha gonna say - when things go wrong
What cha wanna do - when you’re on your own

Everybody wants some kindness - everybody needs a break
We all need a shinin’ star when things get hard to take
So tonight we’re gonna wish upon a star
We never wished upon before

If only I have one wish to make for 2008, it would be deliverance.  I fervently and passionately hope and pray that the good Lord will deliver me and my family from people who are capable of hurting us and using us. 

Deliver me from tribulations.  Deliver me from people who are capable of sucking you dry of hope.  Deliver me from people who will cause me instability.  Deliver me from people who are capable of neglecting my potential.  Deliver me from people with acrid characters.  Deliver me from frustration.  Deliver me from misery.  Deliver me from pain.  Deliver me from unfulfilling and unpleasant experiences.  Deliver me from false friends.  Deliver me from poor health.  Deliver me from anguish.  Deliver me from anxiety.  Deliver me from the ghosts of the past.  Deliver me from fear.  Deliver me from harboring hurt.  Deliver me from vengeance.  Deliver me from brokenheartedness.  Deliver me from financial instability.  Deliver me from chains.  Deliver me from temptation and its instruments and channels.  Deliver me from Trojan horses.  Deliver me from emotional weariness.  Deliver me from anger.  Deliver me from harsh words.  Deliver me from being lost.  Deliver me from imbalance.  Deliver me from doubt.  Deliver me from conceit.  Deliver me from misunderstanding.  Deliver me from myopic views.  Deliver me from deceit.  Deliver me from insatiable hunger and thirst for material things.  Deliver me from a false sense of security.  Deliver me from an unstable and unrewarding job/career.  Deliver me from a broken spirit.  Deliver me from a shallowness.  Deliver me from ignorance.  Deliver me from my idealism.  Deliver me from my gullibility.  Deliver me from impatience yet deliver me from such a long meaningless wait.  Deliver me from the towering demands and expectations of other people.  Deliver me from shame.  Deliver me from pride.  Deliver me from empty promises.  Lastly and ultimately, deliver me from myself.

Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.

Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance. Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.

Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger. 

Is that too much to ask?

Stronger - Kanye West (from "Graduation") [2007]

A dry spell has weaved its way to this blog of mine.  As I distraughtly attempt to write something of substance, I was able to search for my muse this time in the most unlikely places: my past blog entries.  I am quite amazed with the transformation of my style, mood and tone.  After writing 143 blog entries since July 2005, I am no longer my usual fluffy self, indulging on material things as to what movies he has seen in the past week, or as to what CDs he is planning to buy in the forthcoming months.  The metamorphosis I underwent in a span of two years is quite dramatic as I tend to be more perceptive of what my mind thinks or what my heart yearns for.   Before, I wrote nothing but stuff good for teenage magazines but lately I have written stuff good for a teleplay.

Usually, given the rush of the Yuletide season, I would find my muse in the unending rituals of the holidays, I would get carried away by fancy lights, Christmas trees, gift giving and others.  Lately, I barely find inspiration in material things though I can now purchase the things I need and want this time of the year.  Heck, if only my eight year-old self could see me now, he would jump for joy now that he can buy the Transformers he always wished for (yup, even the boxed expensive ones).  My eighteen year-old self would definitely be delighted now that he can afford to buy the clothes he always liked not having to save all his allowance.  Before, as a child and as an adolescent, I would make Christmas wishlists with only one solution: the financial propensity to acquire such things.  Now, I would make Christmas hopelists that can only be satiated by dreaming of a better future as I keep my fingers crossed.  What’s even worse is that these items in my hopelist have no solution at all, which in Mathematics, is the most pointless and senseless problem of all.  Why bother solving something with no solution?  To wit, for three Christmases already, I always hoped for my dad to be alive and be with us so that we could be complete again.  Ever since I was a child, I always prayed to God for me to have a big family.  As another year comes to a close, and God only knows when I can find another muse, I am just glad that it is almost over.  Everyone deserves a chance to start again.  Tabula rasa.

This past year I have made good friends.  I have almost lost someone dear to me.  I have sailed the untamed and uncharted waters of my career.  I was able to bridle my horses and not to push myself that far.  I have good health in the past 12 months and that is something to thank God for unlike in 2006 when January saw me with the chicken pox and never a month went by without the cold, headaches, stomachaches, flu, heart palpitations and all.  I have lost ten pounds and my body mass index (BMI) is back to the normal range.  I have learned to watch carefully whatever I ate.  I have dealt with some unpleasant people at work with no other choice but to keep a civil face and offer them my Cheshire cat smile.  This time, I also learned how to handle unkind and snide remarks with callousness and I learned that no one is completely by your side [Eric, magpakatanda ka muna (implying that I'm too young and immature and you have no right to get tired at all);  Eh ako kahit busy pumunta pa'rin (implying that I'm lazy and idle); Personal matter? Parang narinig ko na yan ah! (implying that I abscond from responsibility), etc.]  Okay, so I could never be good enough.  And yes there are people out there who have sadistic tendencies and enjoy lashing out words at people.  Heck, sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me (again).  There are bullies outside of school and they are bigger and fiercer and meaner and that’s the gospel truth.  To add insult to injury, they exist in a larger schoolground–the schoolground of life. Six consecutive outstanding feedbacks from students can never be good enough.  Bluntly put, the best of me doesn’t belong to any of them but to me and my family. 

I wonder what my 38 year-old self would say to my 28 year-old being if only he could see himself now?  Maybe he will tell him to take baby steps before running from it all.  The journey may not be easy but it all starts with a single step forward.  I have nothing to prove to others, but I have to prove myself wrong for willingly believing in them.  In the words of Jordin Sparks, the current American Idol champ, maybe my 38 year-old self will tell my 28 year-old self to take it…

One Step At A Time - Jordin Sparks (2007)

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you’ve always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can’t touch

[Chorus]
One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
On step at a time

Each day is a brand a new day and each minute is a chance to turn it all around and start anew.  Christmas is fast approaching and another year has gone by.  Truth be told, I want this year to be over.  It is a prolonged nightmare where the dreamer is already fully aware and conscious of his state.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that 2008 will usher in a breeze of good fortune and a new beginning that I have been yearning for lately.  As this year ends soon, I am hurriedly anticipating a brand new chapter in my life.  The writer of one’s life is the most underappreciated author of all but I am ready to take chances.  After all, that is what life’s all about–taking chances and bearing the consequences of them all. 

My life is not picture perfect and there are things that I wish that I never should’ve experienced.  I sincerely do not wish to be a magnet for misery despite the fact that it loves company.  But so much for wishful thinking, I have come across a bunch who have added fuel to the fire as if I haven’t had enough yet dose of self-esteem torpedoes yet (yup, there is too much fire, I know).  It is really funny how easy it is for others to tear you up easily.  What even hurts more is that these are people whom you have looked up to for a long time during your formative years as a child and as an adolescent.  Now that image has been shattered irreparably, I guess I have learned to accept reality in a whole new way that no one is perfect.  It must have been so imprudent of me to have thought of them that way–with too much adulation and respect.  Since they are capable of criticizing with words that you have never expected to come from them, now I am ready to go back where I once came from.  They are no different from the ones I met seven to eight years ago.  I now know that I have the heart and the balls to hear those words from people I have no respect for from the very start.  They just don’t know when a foul is both offensive and technical.  I sense that to earn their tiniest iota of respect or even be worth their time, I must be as old as Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter, or better yet as ancient as Gandalf, from The Lord of the Rings.  Unfortunately for me, I am neither of those characters and I am glad that I’m not one (just yet).  Honestly, it feels good that there are people out there who think I still look ten years younger my biological/chronological age.  Thank God for good genes, I am no cryptkeeper at age 28 irrespective of the dilemmas I had to face.  Again, everyone is alone when facing their own battles.  Others may give you a shield, some may offer an armor and a weapon, but at the end of the day it is still going to be your tale to tell.

In anticipation of my new beginning, I draw inspiration from the trailer of the forthcoming motion picture, The Bucket List, starring Academy award winning actors, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.  In this story, both men are terminally ill with cancer and they meet for the first time in the hospital ward.  To make the most of their time left on earth, they decided to accomplish their wishlists.  The Bucket List is directed by Rob Reiner, the genius behind When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless In Seattle, The American President and more.  Nicholson plays Edward Cole, an affluent man who quips "Just because I told you my story, does not invite you to be a part of it!".  Heck, that line cuts deep.

As for Eric’s bucket list, there are four that I am willing to unearth them for you.  Again, I don’t give a damn what other people think, dreaming carries no price to pay.

• Write and publish children’s books and songs.  I have always considered myself to be a writer long before I have discovered my penchant for numbers.  My relationship with Mathematics is just platonic.  Math feeds me physiologically but writing creatively feeds my soul and intellect.  Math makes me dull and lifeless, it just pays the bills but writing makes me commune with life.
• Travel and settle in Provence, France or Tuscany, Italy.  I don’t want to live in the Philippines all my life.  I do believe that I deserve better and when that time comes, I want to find myself in Provence, France or in Tuscany, Italy.  I want my own villa with a vineyard and orchard and with the view of a sprawling plain.  This is where I want to retire at age 40. 
• Raise a big family.  Here comes my biggest frustration in life.  I come from a small family and I always wanted to have a large one.  I can never emphasize how hard it is to be the eldest son and be the surrogate father at the same time.  It can get really lonely more than you’ll ever know.
• Learn Portuguese.

Forever Young - Bob Dylan

May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

Forever Young - Rod Stewart

May the good Lord be with you down every road you’re on
And may sunshine and happiness, surround you when you’re far from home
And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true
And do unto others as you’d have done to you

Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you’ll always stay
Forever young, forever young, forever young

May good fortune be with you, may your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven with your prince or your vagabond

And may you never love in vain
And in my heart you will remain
Forever young, forever young, forever young

Forever Young
Forever Young

And when you finally fly away, I’ll be hoping that I served youwell
For all the wisdom of a lifetime, no one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I’m right behind you
Win or lose
Forever Young, Forver young, forever young

Forever Young
Forever Young
Forever Young
Forever Young

There are things that change your life forever and there are people who change the way you see the world.   Most often than not, it is in these instances when you will know whom to trust and those who really care.  In my little world, where it has been experiencing some heavy downpour in the past few months, I guess I, myself, have undergone some changes, changes that serve as a form of litmus test of my character.  The challenges that I have faced, the tears that I have silently and privately shed, the frustrations that I have carried are all a part of my past now and they have made me a stronger and better person.  And I am truly and sincerely grateful to those who have graciously lent a helping hand in those trying times, most especially to my family and friends.

Just like what I have said, there are things that change your life forever.  With all that happened, I just woke up one day feeling numbed by the ordeal that I have gone through.  I guess I gained a whole new layer of callousness and indifference with all the unpleasantness life can bring.  Sometimes I think that my heart and my chest can not bear any more life shattering challenges anyone can hurl upon me.  First, I am no longer that young, I used to be idealistic and energetic and agile, but not anymore.  I want to take things slowly this time.  Second, I used to have the heart to carry heavy emotional baggage.  Now, I don’t even have the balls anymore to stare in the eyes of demise.  Once is enough.  Twice is just too much for my heart and soul.  Thrice would be the end of my well-being.  God only knows whatever that could bring.

To top it all off, I just realized that with all this crappy things happening, I am not yet financially stable with my meager savings to cushion all the sudden and unexpected expenses.  The medical bills almost took away all of my life savings to the last cent.  Seven years of working and having gone through all this misery are reason enough to throw in the towel.  I need something more stable and something more secure.  I really don’t want to make teaching my bread and butter anymore.  If only I followed my dad’s advice when he was still alive, I would have never felt this feeling of insecurity and instability.  I should have jumped at the corporate bandwagon right after graduating from college.  He always wanted me to go there.  Seven schoolyears and counting…after I have given my best and my all, I am still a contractual employee on probation.  And it is all my fault for spreading myself too thin to other things because I have devoted all my life to some idealistic intellectual cause.  That’s the price I had to pay for being young, naive and impractical.  Heck, I was 21 and I thought the world was smiling at me.  I am always prepared for anything but this thing that happened to my kid brother is something else.  Being the head of the family, I can never ever forgive myself if something untoward happens again.  I have always prayed for something better cause deep in my heart I deserve it.  I know I am hardworking and I am not stubborn.  And I know I am good enough to deserve some stability in life.  I have never done anything or anyone wrong but I have never ever wallowed in self-pity and misery like this before.  Once, I see a better offer out there, God I would jump at it in an instant.  I guess it is high time that I make things happen for myself and I really don’t care if I don’t finish my doctorate degree but what I really need right now is stability.  I could be in a stable position in six months, with no Herculean effort exerted.  But why did I ever spend seven years in turbulent waters?  I must have some masochistic tendencies and I must shake them off as soon as possible.  While in this job, I have lost my father to cancer and I knew how it was to earn only P2000/month despite having a Master’s degree.  It is also in this job that I have people telling me that I am not good enough.  When my dad was sick, he had the ability to financially help himself but, I, as a son, can not even extend some form of help to my own dad because I can not even help myself and up to this very day I can never forget nor forgive myself for that.  Instinct tells me that I should finish this schoolyear and head someplace else.  I really think it is the perfect time.  I don’t have to wait until September 2008 to earn my keeps.  My friend once told me that it is only myself that could make me happy.  One’s happiness rests in his own making and not in someone else’s.

Sometimes, I wonder, what have I done in my entire lifetime that made me deserve all these things?  When it rains, it pours and I just want to see some sunshine in my life again.  I wish I could smile innocently and laugh loudly soon.  Truth be told, there will be people who might help you at first but next time around you may find yourself all alone and I don’t want to be in the shoes of someone who is in need ever again.  Call it false pride but I do know that God helps those who help themselves.  I have too much fire in me but it is extinguished as soon as I dance under the rain.

Fire and Rain - James Taylor (1970)

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Looks like the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to

Thought I’d see you one more time again
There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I’d see you, thought I’d see you fire and rain, now

I have to be bluntly honest.  My life is not getting any easier than what I have hoped for.  With all that has happened over the past few years, I just don’t know how to get through one day.  As I have hit rock bottom, I just don’t know how to be on the rebound.  I have always found myself on turbulent waters over the course of the past six years and there is no sign of dawn across the horizon. 

Even superheroes have a cross to bear.  I always find myself moving mountains for the sake of my family and friends.  I always come to their aid and rescue when things go amiss.  What scares me most is the fact that there will come a day that I will need someone else’s help and I’m slowly accepting the fact that no one will ever be there.  I needed help badly the summer before I entered graduate school and I had my fair share of falling and no one was ever there on my side to lend a helping hand.  I can remember the day when I came home from work and everyone is already sleeping yet the stove was still on.  I remember several occasions when someone would leave the keys inside the car while the engine is still running and I had to rush all the way the home, to and fro, just to get the spare.  When dad died, I wanted the world to stop spinning in its axis so I can breathe.  With most of the paperwork on my shoulder, I find it so surreal that I am the one claiming my dad’s death certificate that morning.  I can still remember that like yesterday.  I thought that as time passes by, I would drift farther and farther from those awful moments.  But sometimes, you wake up with the feeling that they just happened yesterday.  Most of the time, I would even go out of my own way to help people at work, even though it is not my responsibility at all.  It is always Eric to the rescue.  Eric will save the day.  Eric will make things okay.  That horrible night, what if I didn’t pass by?  What if I was never there?  What could have happened?  Only God knows. 

A few days before the incident, I had a dream of my father.  He was healthy and he had his slightly usual long sideburns covering half of his ear and he was wearing his usual barong to work.  He was having lunch in a restaurant with another person wearing the same barong.  At that time, I was eager to talk to my father even in my dreams.  It has been more than a year the last I saw him in any of my dreams.  In that dream, I tried approaching him and he made me pause on my tracks and he said to me plainly, "Balik ka roon."  I never even had the chance to say something.  I never even had the chance to ask why.  Just like the obedient son that I am, I just turned around and walked away.  I never really realized what that meant.  I even told my mom about it.  But it wasn’t until Monday night, October 1st, when I realized what that means.  I guess it was a sign that my father really watches over us, wherever he may be.  Though I have already taken over the responsibility of being the head of the family, I am still learning.  I am still healing.  I am still finding my way.  Superheroes have a cross to bear and even superheroes find defeat staring them right in the eye. 

Superman (It’s Not Easy) - Five For Fighting [2000]

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

It’s not easy to be me

I almost lost my kid brother to mugging and stabbing last Monday evening.  Just when my life is not getting any easier, here comes another blow.  Words just can’t describe the helplessness and desperateness one feels when you see your kid brother in the middle of street of your village, bleeding and mugged while coming home from work.  Everyone was just staring at him and no one even cared until the tricycle I was riding came along.  Just when I was passing, I see my brother crying for help as he recognized my face and said my name.  I thought it was just a nightmare.  Never did I imagine that it would happen to anyone in my family until now and I am finding the strength to put them into words.  I lost my father two short years ago and I can never allow myself to lose my kid brother or my mother.  If only I made the wrong choice last Monday night, I may have never found my kid brother alive.  All my life I have always wished for a larger family and I can not afford to lose anyone anymore.  I took care of my kid brother when he was little, I made sure he is okay.  I helped him with his homework and I always made sure that he is fine.  He lost his dad at a tender age of 18 and I can not imagine how he could have handled things.  Being a big brother and a surrogate father at the same time are things I am still learning to accomplish.  And I fervently pray to the Lord for the strength and the courage to carry on.  I always believed that these challenges would make me a stronger and a better person but heroes eventually claim defeat. 

To everyone who provided us words of comfort and prayers during these trying times, please accept my humblest and wholeheartedly offered gratitude.  To Paul, Lina, Tita Lally and Kuya John, thank you for coming to my aid when it happened.  I am truly grateful.  God bless your kind hearts.  To everyone at work, thank you very much for your prayers.

A new lease in life has been granted.  Another chance to make things right.  Thank you Lord.

Shine All Your Light - Beth Nielsen Chapman/Amy Grant

Here under heaven’s eyes
Down under paradise
Sometimes it seems like we’re so small.
Here on the shores that reach into infinity.
How could we matter that much at all?
Would it be enough
If each of us would give our love?

Like sand on a mountain
Rain on a fountain
Shade on a shadow
A breeze in this tornado
Just do what you can.
Clap with one hand
And shine all your light in the sun

There are a million songs that tackle the idea of holding on.  There’s the 1990 smash hit by Wilson Phillips and for some OPM savoir faire, Side A and Neocolours have their own take on this subject.  The truth is holding on is tougher than it seems.  It is always easier said than done.  Most of the time, I sense that I am all alone in whatever it is that I do in my life.  So when was the last time when I was truly happy?  Six years to be exact and counting.  I have lost myself over the past few years and I don’t want to be a stranger in my own life.  Lately, I have discovered the blog of my good friend back in college.  Her latest entry was short and simple.  She simply stated that she is glad that she have found a brand new lease in life.

Hold on dearly to the ones you love the most.  This is what I keep telling myself instead of looking for things you will never have.  I have made a list of what makes me happy lately:

• My mom and kid brother
• My home
• Mom’s homecooked meals
• My music
• My friends
• My cousins in the province
• My pet kitten who is still unnamed
• Watching movies

I wish I could find meaning in my life again.  Sometimes I wish my dad were here.  On top of all the goings-on in my life lately, I am beginning to regret a decision I have made six years ago when my dad was still alive and he was pursuading me to do something which he really believed was good for me, most especially now that I am beginning to realize that I am not getting any younger.  He may never be the perfect dad.  No one is.  But for once, I realized the wisdom in his advice and I was just too foolish and naive at that time.  I hope and pray that given another chance, that it is not too late for me to go back and start again.  I don’t want to live in the past but I really had to get this off my chest. 

Hold On - Neocolours

Hey, baby, how’s life been movin’ on?
I can’t deny it, now you are gone
This is the first time
Can I make it through?
Without you now, do the things I used to do

CHORUS:
Hold on, baby hold on
We’ve got to go on now
This feeling so strong
Hold on, baby hold on
It’s a burning desire
Comin’ right down the wire
Hold on, baby hold on (hold on)
We’ve got to go on now
(You can hold on to me while I hold on to you…)
Hold on, baby hold on… (hold on…)

Less is more.  As a Math teacher for seven schoolyears already, less could never be more and more could never be less.  Such statement violates the essence of inequalities.  However, as a writer, I believe that I have the poetic license to play on words. 

Call it whatever you wish.  An oxymoron.  An irony.  An antithesis.  A hyperbole.  Expecting less from life and from oneself could be a key ingredient to better living.  The past three months have been tough on me and it felt like I was making my way out of the twilight zone.   I have never felt alone in my life and I have never experienced daily doses of self-esteem torpedoes so bad.  If only I could go back to high school and see my pimple-faced self anxious and hurt, I would tell him right in the face, "Hey, wait until you’re 28 and you will know anxiety and pain in a whole new level".  I am used to people leaving me in the middle of the road, and sometimes, in the middle of deep waters that I usually find myself wandering alone or paddling my own canoe.  Though I always entrust myself in the Lord, I just can’t help it but think that I answer my own prayers most of the time.  After all, you can only count on yourself when things get awry whether it is caused by your own volition or by external factors.

The second term starts tomorrow.  Instead of posting my usual expectations from myself, my students and from the people around me, I would rather expect less from life and demand less from myself and learn how to let go.  If I expect less and get good results in the end, then fulfillment would just follow.  Less is more.  More or less.

Over the weekend while surfing the net , I came across the news that 2005’s American Idol champ, Carrie Underwood, is all set to release her sophomore album sometime in late October.  Aptly titled Carnival Town, her latest offering features this brand new single escalating the Billboard Hot 100 charts having made an amazing leap from #93 to #17 on its third week.  Admittedly, I am not really a fan of country music but this song spoke words of wisdom that hit me badly.

Carrie Underwood - So Small (2007)

Yeah, Yeah

It’s so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It’s like a river that’s so wide it swallows you whole
While you’re sitting around thinking about what you can’t change

And worrying about all the wrong things
Time’s flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can’t get it back
Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you’ve been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah, yeah

When reality bites hard, what makes people stay?  This is one question that I keep on asking myself over the past week which I consider to be one rollercoaster ride in my life.  Just when I was about to throw in the towel, there is something that makes a person stay in one place.  All that matters is right here, right now.  Whether we like it or not, our decisions greatly affect other people, directly or indirectly.  I just pray to God that whatever it is that I may decide to do, it will be for the greater good.  Uncertainty about the future is something I need not bother myself with though anyone would jump at the idea of knowing the future.  Still, I am a staunch believer that I make my own destiny.  It has been one hectic, bittersweet past three months and I’m glad that it is over.  I must admit that it was not easy at all but thank God for faith, family and friends.  Again, I must live life day by day.  Thinking of what lies ahead in the horizon can be overwhelming.  Who knows?  My life could be different this time of the year, next year.  I could be someplace else.  I am no longer that impulsive as I was in my early 20s.  Any act of chance and I would be somewhere else.  A fork in the road.  A road less traveled.  Life is a journey and I’m so glad that I am back on my feet again.

Strangely and coincidentally, I just won a rare copy of the soundtrack of Reality Bites from www.ebay.ph a few days ago and I had the CD delivered to me last Thursday.  Let me share with you the lyrics to one of the best tracks in this album.  Again, what makes people stay?  I really don’t know, this time I will just leave it up to fate to do the thinking and that is my decision.  That is my destiny.  At least, I did my part.  Stay I must.

Stay (I Missed You) - Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories

You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.

And you say I only hear what I want to.