ERIC’S SONGBOOK

In a week’s time, I will be turning 29.  It is full steam ahead to middle age.  Before I know it, I will be pushing 40, then 50 and 60.  If God will fatefully allow, maybe I will witness my 70s or even 80s.  I am hopeful that I am capable of even outliving my father and my grandfathers. 

As I look back, I’m grateful that I have been blessed with the opportunity to have lived another year of my life throughout its ups and downs.  For several years now, I have been stuck in a rut that I just thought there is no getting out of.  Maybe it was just that I loved what I was doing so much that I got so preoccupied that my 20s just passed me by.  Despite the dedication and unconditional love I have shown and given to what I was doing, I woke up one day and I realized I simply got nowhere and I realized that I am digging my own grave.  Maybe I loved what I was doing so much to the extent that I am hurting myself and eventually I became too attached to it.  I also realized that I am unhappy and miserable with what I was doing.  Being the blunt of jokes despite giving your very best and people making decisions for you without your consent are the worst things that happened to me, thank God that He has given me the grace to pull through.  It has been a tough year and thank God that in a few weeks, come May, it will be all over.  He did send some angels to save me and a window of endless opportunities was finally opened.  There is my Mom, and younger brother Don, Lina, Paul, Sir Francis, Malou, a handful of people in school, some relatives, and a few good friends from way back when.  They are the angels that came with the several rays of light that pierced through the cloudy skies covering my little world.  I guess giving your best means nothing to some but a trivial laughing matter.  All this time, I felt like I am just a piece of gum intentionally slapped on the hole of an enormous dam about to give way.  Imagine, a small piece of gum against the force exerted by millions of gallons of water.  At times, I felt like a toy discarded and manipulated by the owner at his or her own accord and whim.  At times, I felt like a soldier, a prisoner of war.  Finally, things are falling into place and the dust is finally about to settle.  In my life, things usually come when I no longer need them.  But thank God for these angels, they are right on time. 

Modesty aside, now that I am about to hit my 30s, I should be in a situation or in a place that can offer me stability, security and growth.  I was 21 or 22 then, full of idealism, energy and dreams.  Regretfully, I yearn for my 20s again.  I want my time back.  I long for my innocence again.  I need my boundless energy once more. 

I guess the perfect birthday gift I could give myself this year is the gift of freedom.  I hope it is not too late to turn this life of my mine around.  It is a good thing that I woke up before things got any worse.  Closing a chapter in one’s life just to start anew is an arduous task one’s soul has to bear.  Thank God for some angels on full steam ahead.

I’m Your Angel - Celine Dion & R. Kelly (1998)

[Celine]
No mountain’s too high for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No river’s too wide for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

[Repeat 1 until fade]

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