ERIC’S SONGBOOK

I am eagerly anticipating a new chapter of my life.  Saying goodbye to something that you have known for such a long time requires guts of steel.  I am excited to start a clean slate in my newfound home.  I have this strong feeling that I will be happier and more fulfilled here.  A place where I can have clout and stability.

Finally, I am about to break free and about to leave behind all these excess baggage that weigh my soul down.  No more people who will decide my future without my consent and knowledge.  No more people who will demeaningly laugh and insult my work in public fora after telling everyone that I am just trying my best.  Being asked to run something for another two years with little or no support is the last straw.  I am no machine.  I refuse to be the all-around rubber stopper deliberately placed to stop a leak.  I refuse to be the doormat and the laughing stock anymore.  When you lose respect for people whom you admire and look up to for quite some time, I guess there is no more mending.  It is hard to work in place where you are always seen as the "kid" who just joined yesterday.  Some people were surprised that I have been around for seven years, even my bosses.  After all this time, security guards in campus and even office staff think that I am still a student.  I guess to earn the tiniest iota of respect of the community, they expect me to be a relic from the Jurrasic period, some bone or artifact that needs carbon dating.  Truth be told, my dad was frustrated when I told him that I wanted a career with what I have been doing for the longest time.  Now I know why.  There is always wisdom in the words of parents.  Maybe he saw me getting hurt in the long run maybe that’s why he expressed his concern and I was just too idealistic and naive to realize it at the age of 22.   Heck, if I could go back to 2001, I will beat myself up.  I want to prevent myself from doing something that will become a habit and yet, just regret it down the road.  Then again, that’s the price of youth and idealism.  I just woke up one day and realized that I’m pushing 30 and I am not even in a stable position, that seven years have passed me by…my precious 20s, the most energetic and passionate years of my life.  Despite all the hardwork, some people just refuse to treat me right and offer me the stability and security that I deserve.  The bright side of it all: It is a wonderful realization that there is a world out there full of opportunities.  All you have to do is to take the big leap and the challenge.  Sometimes, we are just too myopic to see the bigger picture.  God is indeed good.  He does save people.  Call it chance, destiny or fate but I got a job offer just by running into a friend and his parents in a specialty bookstore in The Fort with me on a whim for buying a CD or two. 

The Emancipation of Eric…to be released May 15, 2008.

Time to Shake It Off, Migrate and say Bye Bye.  The future begins someplace else.

"Shake It Off" - Mariah Carey from "The Emancipation of Mimi" (2005)

[ JD ]
Everybody just, everybody
just bounce, bounce
Everybody just, everybody
just bounce, bounce

[ JD & Mariah Carey ] (fades)
Everybody just, everybody
just bounce, bounce
Shake it off
Everybody just, everybody
just bounce, bounce

"Migrate" - Mariah Carey featuring T-Pain from "E=MC2" (2008)

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce
Keep it movin… Bounce
Keep it movin… Bounce
Keep it movin… Bounce
Keep it movin… Bounce

Soon as we walk through the door
Fellas be grabbin’ at us like "yo"
Tryin’ to get us goin’ off the Patron… slow
We sippin’ Grigio, slow
If you’re inked up thuggin’ that swag I like
Face body and Lamborghini outside
Obviously boy you qualify
Otherwise migrate… bye
Keep it movin’ Bounce

"Bye Bye" - Mariah Carey from "E=MC2" (2008)

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky ‘cause we will never say bye

Chorus
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
“I wish I could talk to you for awhile”
“I wish I could find a way try not to cry”
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I’ll give the world to see your face
And I’m bragging right next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

The number seven has played a huge significance in my life.  My mom and dad have an age gap of seven years.  It took them seven years before they had me.  It took another seven years before I had a baby brother.  Recently, it took me another dose of seven years before I had the complete guts to say goodbye to the first job I technically had in a school that has been my home for 11 years, and in an institution that has molded me for 23 years, from preschool to Ph.D.

I remember the dates perfectly well like it was just yesterday.  I remember that I became a student of the school in June 2, 1997.  I graduated from college in April 7, 2001 (my birthday) and I marched in June 16, 2001.  I was hired as part-time faculty member in June 5, 2001 by the Mathematics Department, College of Science and it kept the ball rolling.  I resigned as full-time faculty and as IBS Director last April 15, effective May 15, 2008.

A lot of things have happened in the past seven years.  It is a rollercoaster ride with endless twists and turns.  There were a lot of happy memories but lately, I guess the critical ones that finally pushed me to throw in the towel were the ones that transpired over the past 12 months.  You wish people well in their endeavors.  It is hard to say goodbye to something or someone you have known for the longest time.  But if I stay, I guess I will just hurt myself even more and I will never be the same person again to the extent that there is no more mending.  I have no plans of becoming a broken soul, I want goodness to stay in me.  I always believed that when God closes a door, he opens a window.  Now, I fully understand the truth behind this adage.  I used to tell my students in BUSORGA to think out of the box and see the bigger picture.  Being so absorbed by everything else, I failed to realize the wisdom in my own teachings. 

When everything has been said and done, all I can do is move on.  Cheers to the next seven years ahead.  If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere.

"Say" - John Mayer from "The Bucket List" (2007)

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

In a week’s time, I will be turning 29.  It is full steam ahead to middle age.  Before I know it, I will be pushing 40, then 50 and 60.  If God will fatefully allow, maybe I will witness my 70s or even 80s.  I am hopeful that I am capable of even outliving my father and my grandfathers. 

As I look back, I’m grateful that I have been blessed with the opportunity to have lived another year of my life throughout its ups and downs.  For several years now, I have been stuck in a rut that I just thought there is no getting out of.  Maybe it was just that I loved what I was doing so much that I got so preoccupied that my 20s just passed me by.  Despite the dedication and unconditional love I have shown and given to what I was doing, I woke up one day and I realized I simply got nowhere and I realized that I am digging my own grave.  Maybe I loved what I was doing so much to the extent that I am hurting myself and eventually I became too attached to it.  I also realized that I am unhappy and miserable with what I was doing.  Being the blunt of jokes despite giving your very best and people making decisions for you without your consent are the worst things that happened to me, thank God that He has given me the grace to pull through.  It has been a tough year and thank God that in a few weeks, come May, it will be all over.  He did send some angels to save me and a window of endless opportunities was finally opened.  There is my Mom, and younger brother Don, Lina, Paul, Sir Francis, Malou, a handful of people in school, some relatives, and a few good friends from way back when.  They are the angels that came with the several rays of light that pierced through the cloudy skies covering my little world.  I guess giving your best means nothing to some but a trivial laughing matter.  All this time, I felt like I am just a piece of gum intentionally slapped on the hole of an enormous dam about to give way.  Imagine, a small piece of gum against the force exerted by millions of gallons of water.  At times, I felt like a toy discarded and manipulated by the owner at his or her own accord and whim.  At times, I felt like a soldier, a prisoner of war.  Finally, things are falling into place and the dust is finally about to settle.  In my life, things usually come when I no longer need them.  But thank God for these angels, they are right on time. 

Modesty aside, now that I am about to hit my 30s, I should be in a situation or in a place that can offer me stability, security and growth.  I was 21 or 22 then, full of idealism, energy and dreams.  Regretfully, I yearn for my 20s again.  I want my time back.  I long for my innocence again.  I need my boundless energy once more. 

I guess the perfect birthday gift I could give myself this year is the gift of freedom.  I hope it is not too late to turn this life of my mine around.  It is a good thing that I woke up before things got any worse.  Closing a chapter in one’s life just to start anew is an arduous task one’s soul has to bear.  Thank God for some angels on full steam ahead.

I’m Your Angel - Celine Dion & R. Kelly (1998)

[Celine]
No mountain’s too high for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No river’s too wide for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

[Repeat 1 until fade]