ERIC’S SONGBOOK

If only I have one wish to make for 2008, it would be deliverance.  I fervently and passionately hope and pray that the good Lord will deliver me and my family from people who are capable of hurting us and using us. 

Deliver me from tribulations.  Deliver me from people who are capable of sucking you dry of hope.  Deliver me from people who will cause me instability.  Deliver me from people who are capable of neglecting my potential.  Deliver me from people with acrid characters.  Deliver me from frustration.  Deliver me from misery.  Deliver me from pain.  Deliver me from unfulfilling and unpleasant experiences.  Deliver me from false friends.  Deliver me from poor health.  Deliver me from anguish.  Deliver me from anxiety.  Deliver me from the ghosts of the past.  Deliver me from fear.  Deliver me from harboring hurt.  Deliver me from vengeance.  Deliver me from brokenheartedness.  Deliver me from financial instability.  Deliver me from chains.  Deliver me from temptation and its instruments and channels.  Deliver me from Trojan horses.  Deliver me from emotional weariness.  Deliver me from anger.  Deliver me from harsh words.  Deliver me from being lost.  Deliver me from imbalance.  Deliver me from doubt.  Deliver me from conceit.  Deliver me from misunderstanding.  Deliver me from myopic views.  Deliver me from deceit.  Deliver me from insatiable hunger and thirst for material things.  Deliver me from a false sense of security.  Deliver me from an unstable and unrewarding job/career.  Deliver me from a broken spirit.  Deliver me from a shallowness.  Deliver me from ignorance.  Deliver me from my idealism.  Deliver me from my gullibility.  Deliver me from impatience yet deliver me from such a long meaningless wait.  Deliver me from the towering demands and expectations of other people.  Deliver me from shame.  Deliver me from pride.  Deliver me from empty promises.  Lastly and ultimately, deliver me from myself.

Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.  Deliver us.

Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance. Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.  Deliverance.

Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger.  Make me stronger. 

Is that too much to ask?

Stronger - Kanye West (from "Graduation") [2007]

A dry spell has weaved its way to this blog of mine.  As I distraughtly attempt to write something of substance, I was able to search for my muse this time in the most unlikely places: my past blog entries.  I am quite amazed with the transformation of my style, mood and tone.  After writing 143 blog entries since July 2005, I am no longer my usual fluffy self, indulging on material things as to what movies he has seen in the past week, or as to what CDs he is planning to buy in the forthcoming months.  The metamorphosis I underwent in a span of two years is quite dramatic as I tend to be more perceptive of what my mind thinks or what my heart yearns for.   Before, I wrote nothing but stuff good for teenage magazines but lately I have written stuff good for a teleplay.

Usually, given the rush of the Yuletide season, I would find my muse in the unending rituals of the holidays, I would get carried away by fancy lights, Christmas trees, gift giving and others.  Lately, I barely find inspiration in material things though I can now purchase the things I need and want this time of the year.  Heck, if only my eight year-old self could see me now, he would jump for joy now that he can buy the Transformers he always wished for (yup, even the boxed expensive ones).  My eighteen year-old self would definitely be delighted now that he can afford to buy the clothes he always liked not having to save all his allowance.  Before, as a child and as an adolescent, I would make Christmas wishlists with only one solution: the financial propensity to acquire such things.  Now, I would make Christmas hopelists that can only be satiated by dreaming of a better future as I keep my fingers crossed.  What’s even worse is that these items in my hopelist have no solution at all, which in Mathematics, is the most pointless and senseless problem of all.  Why bother solving something with no solution?  To wit, for three Christmases already, I always hoped for my dad to be alive and be with us so that we could be complete again.  Ever since I was a child, I always prayed to God for me to have a big family.  As another year comes to a close, and God only knows when I can find another muse, I am just glad that it is almost over.  Everyone deserves a chance to start again.  Tabula rasa.

This past year I have made good friends.  I have almost lost someone dear to me.  I have sailed the untamed and uncharted waters of my career.  I was able to bridle my horses and not to push myself that far.  I have good health in the past 12 months and that is something to thank God for unlike in 2006 when January saw me with the chicken pox and never a month went by without the cold, headaches, stomachaches, flu, heart palpitations and all.  I have lost ten pounds and my body mass index (BMI) is back to the normal range.  I have learned to watch carefully whatever I ate.  I have dealt with some unpleasant people at work with no other choice but to keep a civil face and offer them my Cheshire cat smile.  This time, I also learned how to handle unkind and snide remarks with callousness and I learned that no one is completely by your side [Eric, magpakatanda ka muna (implying that I'm too young and immature and you have no right to get tired at all);  Eh ako kahit busy pumunta pa'rin (implying that I'm lazy and idle); Personal matter? Parang narinig ko na yan ah! (implying that I abscond from responsibility), etc.]  Okay, so I could never be good enough.  And yes there are people out there who have sadistic tendencies and enjoy lashing out words at people.  Heck, sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me (again).  There are bullies outside of school and they are bigger and fiercer and meaner and that’s the gospel truth.  To add insult to injury, they exist in a larger schoolground–the schoolground of life. Six consecutive outstanding feedbacks from students can never be good enough.  Bluntly put, the best of me doesn’t belong to any of them but to me and my family. 

I wonder what my 38 year-old self would say to my 28 year-old being if only he could see himself now?  Maybe he will tell him to take baby steps before running from it all.  The journey may not be easy but it all starts with a single step forward.  I have nothing to prove to others, but I have to prove myself wrong for willingly believing in them.  In the words of Jordin Sparks, the current American Idol champ, maybe my 38 year-old self will tell my 28 year-old self to take it…

One Step At A Time - Jordin Sparks (2007)

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you’ve always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can’t touch

[Chorus]
One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
On step at a time