ERIC’S SONGBOOK

There are things that change your life forever and there are people who change the way you see the world.   Most often than not, it is in these instances when you will know whom to trust and those who really care.  In my little world, where it has been experiencing some heavy downpour in the past few months, I guess I, myself, have undergone some changes, changes that serve as a form of litmus test of my character.  The challenges that I have faced, the tears that I have silently and privately shed, the frustrations that I have carried are all a part of my past now and they have made me a stronger and better person.  And I am truly and sincerely grateful to those who have graciously lent a helping hand in those trying times, most especially to my family and friends.

Just like what I have said, there are things that change your life forever.  With all that happened, I just woke up one day feeling numbed by the ordeal that I have gone through.  I guess I gained a whole new layer of callousness and indifference with all the unpleasantness life can bring.  Sometimes I think that my heart and my chest can not bear any more life shattering challenges anyone can hurl upon me.  First, I am no longer that young, I used to be idealistic and energetic and agile, but not anymore.  I want to take things slowly this time.  Second, I used to have the heart to carry heavy emotional baggage.  Now, I don’t even have the balls anymore to stare in the eyes of demise.  Once is enough.  Twice is just too much for my heart and soul.  Thrice would be the end of my well-being.  God only knows whatever that could bring.

To top it all off, I just realized that with all this crappy things happening, I am not yet financially stable with my meager savings to cushion all the sudden and unexpected expenses.  The medical bills almost took away all of my life savings to the last cent.  Seven years of working and having gone through all this misery are reason enough to throw in the towel.  I need something more stable and something more secure.  I really don’t want to make teaching my bread and butter anymore.  If only I followed my dad’s advice when he was still alive, I would have never felt this feeling of insecurity and instability.  I should have jumped at the corporate bandwagon right after graduating from college.  He always wanted me to go there.  Seven schoolyears and counting…after I have given my best and my all, I am still a contractual employee on probation.  And it is all my fault for spreading myself too thin to other things because I have devoted all my life to some idealistic intellectual cause.  That’s the price I had to pay for being young, naive and impractical.  Heck, I was 21 and I thought the world was smiling at me.  I am always prepared for anything but this thing that happened to my kid brother is something else.  Being the head of the family, I can never ever forgive myself if something untoward happens again.  I have always prayed for something better cause deep in my heart I deserve it.  I know I am hardworking and I am not stubborn.  And I know I am good enough to deserve some stability in life.  I have never done anything or anyone wrong but I have never ever wallowed in self-pity and misery like this before.  Once, I see a better offer out there, God I would jump at it in an instant.  I guess it is high time that I make things happen for myself and I really don’t care if I don’t finish my doctorate degree but what I really need right now is stability.  I could be in a stable position in six months, with no Herculean effort exerted.  But why did I ever spend seven years in turbulent waters?  I must have some masochistic tendencies and I must shake them off as soon as possible.  While in this job, I have lost my father to cancer and I knew how it was to earn only P2000/month despite having a Master’s degree.  It is also in this job that I have people telling me that I am not good enough.  When my dad was sick, he had the ability to financially help himself but, I, as a son, can not even extend some form of help to my own dad because I can not even help myself and up to this very day I can never forget nor forgive myself for that.  Instinct tells me that I should finish this schoolyear and head someplace else.  I really think it is the perfect time.  I don’t have to wait until September 2008 to earn my keeps.  My friend once told me that it is only myself that could make me happy.  One’s happiness rests in his own making and not in someone else’s.

Sometimes, I wonder, what have I done in my entire lifetime that made me deserve all these things?  When it rains, it pours and I just want to see some sunshine in my life again.  I wish I could smile innocently and laugh loudly soon.  Truth be told, there will be people who might help you at first but next time around you may find yourself all alone and I don’t want to be in the shoes of someone who is in need ever again.  Call it false pride but I do know that God helps those who help themselves.  I have too much fire in me but it is extinguished as soon as I dance under the rain.

Fire and Rain - James Taylor (1970)

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Looks like the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to

Thought I’d see you one more time again
There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I’d see you, thought I’d see you fire and rain, now

I have to be bluntly honest.  My life is not getting any easier than what I have hoped for.  With all that has happened over the past few years, I just don’t know how to get through one day.  As I have hit rock bottom, I just don’t know how to be on the rebound.  I have always found myself on turbulent waters over the course of the past six years and there is no sign of dawn across the horizon. 

Even superheroes have a cross to bear.  I always find myself moving mountains for the sake of my family and friends.  I always come to their aid and rescue when things go amiss.  What scares me most is the fact that there will come a day that I will need someone else’s help and I’m slowly accepting the fact that no one will ever be there.  I needed help badly the summer before I entered graduate school and I had my fair share of falling and no one was ever there on my side to lend a helping hand.  I can remember the day when I came home from work and everyone is already sleeping yet the stove was still on.  I remember several occasions when someone would leave the keys inside the car while the engine is still running and I had to rush all the way the home, to and fro, just to get the spare.  When dad died, I wanted the world to stop spinning in its axis so I can breathe.  With most of the paperwork on my shoulder, I find it so surreal that I am the one claiming my dad’s death certificate that morning.  I can still remember that like yesterday.  I thought that as time passes by, I would drift farther and farther from those awful moments.  But sometimes, you wake up with the feeling that they just happened yesterday.  Most of the time, I would even go out of my own way to help people at work, even though it is not my responsibility at all.  It is always Eric to the rescue.  Eric will save the day.  Eric will make things okay.  That horrible night, what if I didn’t pass by?  What if I was never there?  What could have happened?  Only God knows. 

A few days before the incident, I had a dream of my father.  He was healthy and he had his slightly usual long sideburns covering half of his ear and he was wearing his usual barong to work.  He was having lunch in a restaurant with another person wearing the same barong.  At that time, I was eager to talk to my father even in my dreams.  It has been more than a year the last I saw him in any of my dreams.  In that dream, I tried approaching him and he made me pause on my tracks and he said to me plainly, "Balik ka roon."  I never even had the chance to say something.  I never even had the chance to ask why.  Just like the obedient son that I am, I just turned around and walked away.  I never really realized what that meant.  I even told my mom about it.  But it wasn’t until Monday night, October 1st, when I realized what that means.  I guess it was a sign that my father really watches over us, wherever he may be.  Though I have already taken over the responsibility of being the head of the family, I am still learning.  I am still healing.  I am still finding my way.  Superheroes have a cross to bear and even superheroes find defeat staring them right in the eye. 

Superman (It’s Not Easy) - Five For Fighting [2000]

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

It’s not easy to be me

I almost lost my kid brother to mugging and stabbing last Monday evening.  Just when my life is not getting any easier, here comes another blow.  Words just can’t describe the helplessness and desperateness one feels when you see your kid brother in the middle of street of your village, bleeding and mugged while coming home from work.  Everyone was just staring at him and no one even cared until the tricycle I was riding came along.  Just when I was passing, I see my brother crying for help as he recognized my face and said my name.  I thought it was just a nightmare.  Never did I imagine that it would happen to anyone in my family until now and I am finding the strength to put them into words.  I lost my father two short years ago and I can never allow myself to lose my kid brother or my mother.  If only I made the wrong choice last Monday night, I may have never found my kid brother alive.  All my life I have always wished for a larger family and I can not afford to lose anyone anymore.  I took care of my kid brother when he was little, I made sure he is okay.  I helped him with his homework and I always made sure that he is fine.  He lost his dad at a tender age of 18 and I can not imagine how he could have handled things.  Being a big brother and a surrogate father at the same time are things I am still learning to accomplish.  And I fervently pray to the Lord for the strength and the courage to carry on.  I always believed that these challenges would make me a stronger and a better person but heroes eventually claim defeat. 

To everyone who provided us words of comfort and prayers during these trying times, please accept my humblest and wholeheartedly offered gratitude.  To Paul, Lina, Tita Lally and Kuya John, thank you for coming to my aid when it happened.  I am truly grateful.  God bless your kind hearts.  To everyone at work, thank you very much for your prayers.

A new lease in life has been granted.  Another chance to make things right.  Thank you Lord.

Shine All Your Light - Beth Nielsen Chapman/Amy Grant

Here under heaven’s eyes
Down under paradise
Sometimes it seems like we’re so small.
Here on the shores that reach into infinity.
How could we matter that much at all?
Would it be enough
If each of us would give our love?

Like sand on a mountain
Rain on a fountain
Shade on a shadow
A breeze in this tornado
Just do what you can.
Clap with one hand
And shine all your light in the sun