ERIC’S SONGBOOK

There are a million songs that tackle the idea of holding on.  There’s the 1990 smash hit by Wilson Phillips and for some OPM savoir faire, Side A and Neocolours have their own take on this subject.  The truth is holding on is tougher than it seems.  It is always easier said than done.  Most of the time, I sense that I am all alone in whatever it is that I do in my life.  So when was the last time when I was truly happy?  Six years to be exact and counting.  I have lost myself over the past few years and I don’t want to be a stranger in my own life.  Lately, I have discovered the blog of my good friend back in college.  Her latest entry was short and simple.  She simply stated that she is glad that she have found a brand new lease in life.

Hold on dearly to the ones you love the most.  This is what I keep telling myself instead of looking for things you will never have.  I have made a list of what makes me happy lately:

• My mom and kid brother
• My home
• Mom’s homecooked meals
• My music
• My friends
• My cousins in the province
• My pet kitten who is still unnamed
• Watching movies

I wish I could find meaning in my life again.  Sometimes I wish my dad were here.  On top of all the goings-on in my life lately, I am beginning to regret a decision I have made six years ago when my dad was still alive and he was pursuading me to do something which he really believed was good for me, most especially now that I am beginning to realize that I am not getting any younger.  He may never be the perfect dad.  No one is.  But for once, I realized the wisdom in his advice and I was just too foolish and naive at that time.  I hope and pray that given another chance, that it is not too late for me to go back and start again.  I don’t want to live in the past but I really had to get this off my chest. 

Hold On - Neocolours

Hey, baby, how’s life been movin’ on?
I can’t deny it, now you are gone
This is the first time
Can I make it through?
Without you now, do the things I used to do

CHORUS:
Hold on, baby hold on
We’ve got to go on now
This feeling so strong
Hold on, baby hold on
It’s a burning desire
Comin’ right down the wire
Hold on, baby hold on (hold on)
We’ve got to go on now
(You can hold on to me while I hold on to you…)
Hold on, baby hold on… (hold on…)

Less is more.  As a Math teacher for seven schoolyears already, less could never be more and more could never be less.  Such statement violates the essence of inequalities.  However, as a writer, I believe that I have the poetic license to play on words. 

Call it whatever you wish.  An oxymoron.  An irony.  An antithesis.  A hyperbole.  Expecting less from life and from oneself could be a key ingredient to better living.  The past three months have been tough on me and it felt like I was making my way out of the twilight zone.   I have never felt alone in my life and I have never experienced daily doses of self-esteem torpedoes so bad.  If only I could go back to high school and see my pimple-faced self anxious and hurt, I would tell him right in the face, "Hey, wait until you’re 28 and you will know anxiety and pain in a whole new level".  I am used to people leaving me in the middle of the road, and sometimes, in the middle of deep waters that I usually find myself wandering alone or paddling my own canoe.  Though I always entrust myself in the Lord, I just can’t help it but think that I answer my own prayers most of the time.  After all, you can only count on yourself when things get awry whether it is caused by your own volition or by external factors.

The second term starts tomorrow.  Instead of posting my usual expectations from myself, my students and from the people around me, I would rather expect less from life and demand less from myself and learn how to let go.  If I expect less and get good results in the end, then fulfillment would just follow.  Less is more.  More or less.

Over the weekend while surfing the net , I came across the news that 2005’s American Idol champ, Carrie Underwood, is all set to release her sophomore album sometime in late October.  Aptly titled Carnival Town, her latest offering features this brand new single escalating the Billboard Hot 100 charts having made an amazing leap from #93 to #17 on its third week.  Admittedly, I am not really a fan of country music but this song spoke words of wisdom that hit me badly.

Carrie Underwood - So Small (2007)

Yeah, Yeah

It’s so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It’s like a river that’s so wide it swallows you whole
While you’re sitting around thinking about what you can’t change

And worrying about all the wrong things
Time’s flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can’t get it back
Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you’ve been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah, yeah

When reality bites hard, what makes people stay?  This is one question that I keep on asking myself over the past week which I consider to be one rollercoaster ride in my life.  Just when I was about to throw in the towel, there is something that makes a person stay in one place.  All that matters is right here, right now.  Whether we like it or not, our decisions greatly affect other people, directly or indirectly.  I just pray to God that whatever it is that I may decide to do, it will be for the greater good.  Uncertainty about the future is something I need not bother myself with though anyone would jump at the idea of knowing the future.  Still, I am a staunch believer that I make my own destiny.  It has been one hectic, bittersweet past three months and I’m glad that it is over.  I must admit that it was not easy at all but thank God for faith, family and friends.  Again, I must live life day by day.  Thinking of what lies ahead in the horizon can be overwhelming.  Who knows?  My life could be different this time of the year, next year.  I could be someplace else.  I am no longer that impulsive as I was in my early 20s.  Any act of chance and I would be somewhere else.  A fork in the road.  A road less traveled.  Life is a journey and I’m so glad that I am back on my feet again.

Strangely and coincidentally, I just won a rare copy of the soundtrack of Reality Bites from www.ebay.ph a few days ago and I had the CD delivered to me last Thursday.  Let me share with you the lyrics to one of the best tracks in this album.  Again, what makes people stay?  I really don’t know, this time I will just leave it up to fate to do the thinking and that is my decision.  That is my destiny.  At least, I did my part.  Stay I must.

Stay (I Missed You) - Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories

You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.

And you say I only hear what I want to.