ERIC’S SONGBOOK

Another year has come and gone and I thank the Lord for the gift of life.  As I turn 28 next weekend and as I contemplate on how my life was in the past year, I am truly grateful that I have come this far.  Twenty-eight years of life may be measly compared to the experiences of the elderly, but I would like to bide my time and take things one step at a time.  My life is not perfect but I still like it the way it is.  However, if only I had the chance to travel back in time, I would tell myself to worry less and live more and to let go.  Learning the language of complete surrender and knowing that you can’t do everything by yourself eventually gave me a breather.  Sometimes I just can’t help myself but wonder, where have all those years gone?  If I could turn back time, I will tell myself that you will grow up fine and stop being such a worry-wart.  I will tell myself to enjoy your childhood more.  I will tell myself to play more.  I will tell myself to believe in yourself more.  I will tell myself to trust yourself more.  Life is but a dream, just like the nursery rhyme went.  And everyday is the start of the rest of your life.  Lastly, I will tell myself, "Child, everything you have always wanted will come true if you really wanted to."

Ooh Child - The Five Stairsteps (1970)

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things’ll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things’ll get brighter

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things’ll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things’ll get brighter
Right now, right now

I come undone.  This 3rd term in school is hectic beyond words.  Never in my whole life did I leave so many things undone in my personal life.  Before that list gets any longer, let me note the significant ones down here:

• Renew my driver’s license (which expires two days from now, however, my schedule just won’t permit me at all, haaaaaaaaaayyyy…por da lab of KWATEK at KOMKALK).  Today is my only free day but due to some unexplainable rule in LTO, I have to let it expire and I have wasted my afternoon in their appalling office in Malate, Manila. 
• Renew my passport which expired in 2005 (ayaw talaga ako paalisin ni Lord sa Repablik op da Pilipens).  I have taken a vow to renew my passport this year.  My inability to do so reflects my dim future of leaving this country that heavily taxes a poor schoolteacher named Eric Halcon.
• Visit a dermatologist who will remove these awful warts… yuck, by definition they are really disgusting benign skin tumours. 
• Apply to companies like Proctor & Gamble, Unilever, Johnson & Johnson, Nestle, in the hopes of attaining greener pastures for grazing of a cow…
• Obtain my SSS ID.  You won’t believe this, I have been working for 8 years now and I still haven’t secured my SSS ID.  They only accommodate 100 applications a day in their Alabang office.  You have to be there as early as 6:30 am to fall in line.  After paying a hefty sum of money as taxes, this is the service I get.
• Get my ID card as a Ph.D student .  Once I start my day in school, it is a non-stop whirlwind of chalkdust, papers, and countless meetings.  Halos, mabilaukan na ako sa pagkain ng lunch at merienda…the stress level is very alarming at times.  Kahit pagsipilyo; mabilisan.  All it takes for me to get my ID is just to show up for a snapshot, eh, puro meeting naman…I still don’t have my ID and the schoolyear is almost over.  I do better than Tom Cruise in Mission : Impossible 4 : No ID, No Entry… :((

Suddenly, I am entertaining the thought of going on a vacation this summer.  However, I have bills maturing this May and I need the extra income.  Working is becoming a vicious cycle.  I could really use a short break.

Speaking of a short break, I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad that my birthday will fall on a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnngg weekend, to be specific, it will be on Black Saturday.  The best thing of it all is that it will be my first birthday in six years in which I don’t have any final examinations to check (1-hour standing ovation, please).  Every birthday that I celebrated in the past always had checking final examinations in my itinerary, but this year’s story will be different.  Amen.

On the other hand, I was able to buy frames for my diplomas, both Bachelor’s and Master’s, last Sunday.  You wouldn’t believe it but it took me six years to frame my Bachelor’s and four years to frame my Master’s.  I guess I deserve a lifetime achievement award for that feat.  Thank you, thank you.

I am Eric Halcon, the brand new cynic, and I come undone.

Come Undone - Duran Duran

Mine immaculate dream made breath and skin I’ve been waiting for you
Signed with a home tattoo happy birthday to you was created for ya
Can’t ever keep from falling apart at the seams
Can’t I belive you’re taking my heart too pieces
Oh, it’ll take a little time might take a little crime to come undone now
We’ll try to stay blind to the hope and fear outside
Hey child stay wilder than the wind and blow me in to cry

Who do you need who do you love when you come undone
Who do you need who do you love when you come undone
Who do you need who do you love when you come undone
(Can’t ever keep from falling apart) Who do you need who do you love
When you come undone (can’t ever keep from falling apart)
Who do you need who do you love (can’t ever keep from falling apart)
Who do you love when you come undone (can’t ever keep from falling apart)

It has been exactly two years since my dad passed away.  I can still remember that day.  The memory was so fresh as if it just happened yesterday.  My mom called home around 2 am of March 4, 2005, telling me na "Wala na si papa".  Even as a grown man, I just can’t help but cry.  Though my dad and I were never that close, I still had hopes that he will get well.  That day, I just wanted the world to stop spinning, I wanted time to stand still and for just once, the world to empathize with me.  Hurriedly, I woke my kid brother and informed him of the sad news.  Though it was March, the prelude to summer, it was surprisingly chilly inside the house.  I thought it was just me in a state of shock but my kid brother felt the numbing cold too.  Little did it cross my mind that it could be the spirit of my dad hugging us at that time of disbelief.  I started dialling numbers of our relatives informing them of my father’s demise.  By 3:00 am, my mother’s helpers fetched us from home to see the remains of my father before he is to be brought to the morgue.  My mom even instructed me to bring my dad’s picture that hung on the wall.  Upon reaching the hospital, I was hoping and praying that this is just a nightmare I’m just having, that sometime soon I will wake up and find everything okay again.  Upon reaching his hospital suite, there lay my father on his death bed, his hands clasped upon his chest as if he was praying.  My dad’s bed still felt warm to the touch but his feet felt cold.  Upon giving the picture to my mom, she hugged it just like she would if only the picture were my dad.  She cried and said "Sweetheart", my mom’s term for endearment.

Upon sunrise, I called school that I can’t make it to class that day.  Relatives dropped by the hospital to keep my mom company.  My mom took care of funeral arrangements while I was tasked to take care of his death certificate.  Still lightheaded from the turnout of events, I went to and fro hospital offices and the city hall to obtain the necessary signatures.  The outside world doesn’t seem to care.  It is business as usual.  Traffic still plagued the morning rush in the South Superhighway but the weary me still had to push on.  Time knows no master.   My father had left big shoes to fill.  My passage to manhood had come full circle.  At the age of 25, I have known the language of loss and despair which I silently spoke to myself. 

Though time knows no master and leaves an indelible scar through life, strangely, it is also time that paves the way towards redemption and cure.  Wherever that road leads in the future, I am getting there.

A poem written by William Ernest Henley in his deathbed came to mind:

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
      Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
      I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
       My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
      Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
      Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
      I am the captain of my soul.

Someday, across space and time, I will see my dad again.  At this point, my mom, Dondon & I, would like to wholeheartedly dedicate this song by Josh Groban to the memory of my late father, Leonardo A. Halcon.  Maybe the Lord Almighty, really needed a great salesman in heaven.

To Where You Are - Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

It has been 10 years since high school.  I can’t believe that time really flies so fast.  My high school life has its moments of fun, thanks to Counterpoint and the High School Chorale, I’d rather move on than reminisce and dwell in the past.  However, as I was surfing the net, I chanced upon this survey questionnaire from a good friend of mine.  We were members of both clubs and had a great deal of fun.  At 17, no one knows where the road will lead him.  Ten years ago, I was so full of idealism and hopes.  Honestly, I was the lone Exemplary Conduct Award Recipient in our batch during the March 22, 1997 Commencement Exercises.  It was one award that I loathed since it is perfectly synonymous to the asskisser award.  Though I was practically nice to everyone back then, I still had to learn not to expect nice in return from everyone.  Ten years can really make a huge difference.  Like what I have said, I am not the same person I was. Okay, going back to the survey, here goes my answers:

1. Anong section mo nung hs ka?
1st yr – Freshmen-C
2nd yr - Sophomore-E
3rd yr – Junior-G
4th yr – Senior-D

2. Advisers?
1st yr. – Ms. Ditas Vallespin (Earth Science)
2nd yr. - Mr. Pablo Cajigal, Jr. (Biology)
3rd yr. – Mrs. Yolanda Iya (Economics)
4th yr. - Mrs. Marlene Delfin (Filipino)

3. Anong club mo?
1st yr. – None (DLSZ did not require clubs that year)
2nd yr. - Counterpoint (Contributor) and DLSZ Chorale (Bass)
3rd yr. – Counterpoint (Feature Staff)and DLSZ Chorale (Bass)
4th yr. - Counterpoint (Features Editor) and DLSZ Chorale (Tenor) and Oliver! (Supporting Actor)

4. Pinaka mahirap mong subject? 

1st yr. –  Work Education
2nd yr. - Christian Living (i-pa-memorize ba ang Canon Laws?!?)
3rd yr. – Economics (My adviser was talking to a piece of matchstick for Christsake!!!  College came and economics was loaded with numbers)
4th yr. - Physics (My lowest grade in a Science subject is an 82%)

5. Pinakagusto na teacher?
Mrs. Delfin was a very motherly adviser.  She was my Filipino teacher for three years.

6. Anong student # m0?
Wearing IDs inside school was not required back then.

7. Class number mo?
Usually in the #17-24 range.

8. Pinakahuling ginawa mong katarantaduhan:
Who cares?!? I’m an asskisser remember?!?  Straight-A sa conduct

9. Eh magbisyo sa CR?
See previous answer.

10. Naghihilamos ka ba sa CR?
Of course.  What the hell is wrong with that?

11. Anong paborito mong tambayan?
The Counterpoint office was my refuge from the harshness of highschool.  I put all my thoughts on a piece of paper.

12. Maganda ba grad song nyo?
Erm, it was conceived by the frontrunners of the highschool choir, or so I thought.  Who cares?!?  It didn’t hit #1 in the Billboard Hot 100 anyway.  Lol.

13. May nakaaway ka na rin ba?
Silently, yes.  Even up to now, just the mention of their names is enough to conjure the demons out of me and haunt them to their graves…

14. Sino?
…then again, they ain’t worth my time.

15. Nag-vandalize ka na ba? Anong ginawa mo?
Nope, it was the topic of our baby thesis in Economics.  Again, I’m a Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes, eh.

16. Ilang taon kang nag-aral ng HS?
1993-1997, do the math please…

17. Sa canteen ka ba nag-lulunch or sa classroom?
As far as I can remember, eating lunch in the classroom is tantamount to VR (violation report).

18. Kung naaalala mo talaga ang HS days mo,ano ang kulay ng uniform ng teachers mo kapag Friday?
Friday was their porma day.   Come on, let them strut their stuff…hehehehe

19. How was the prom?
I hated it.  I don’t believe in love that much.  Think of it as the story of Jocks + Cheerleaders: A Match Made In Heaven.  The food sucks.  Heck, I had better now that I am working and when I was in college.

20. Sino last dance mo nung prom?
Some girls from the honor section.  I had the makings of a frustrated nerd (which eventually materialized in college).

21. What do you do after school?
Watch TV.  Do the friggin homework. Or watch a movie in ATC.

22. Ever cried in front of the class?
Nope.  I didn’t shed a tear publicly. 

23. Did you bring your cellphone to school?
Oh maybe you meant pager?  Nope!

24. Did you log on to Friendster when in the computer lab?
Wordstar 7 pa ang uso noon (from Jit) and Lotus 1-2-3.  And once you open your Microsoft Windows in Junior Year or Seniot Year highschool during lab session, you’ll get a violation report.  Heck, we were studying the useless dbaseIII+ and Foxpro programs.

25. May mga experiment papers ba kayo nun?
Of course, isama mo na ang theme papers every Friday.

26. Sino palaging nagdadala ng food sa iny0?
To each his own.

27. Anu-ano naman ang dinadala mo?
Luto ni mama.

28. Kanino ka humihiram ng notes?
I am the source of notes!!!  Is that an insult???  Even up to now in the PhD level, they are still borrowing my notes.  Jesus!  Some stories never change.  History repeats itself, and I am a living proof.

29. Eh calcu?
Yari ka sa Statistics and Trigonometry kung wala kang calculator.  Do you think I will get a 95 in Trigonometry and an 89 in Statistics if I don’t bring it regularly???  It is my goddamn ammo!!!

30. Sino ultimate crush mo noon?
She got married to a jock.  Nuff said.