ERIC’S SONGBOOK

Having visited my father’s grave yesterday, Halloween night, brought some familiar memories-both happy and sad.  Still, it reminded again the life is indeed fragile and how important it is to live each day as if it were your last.  In my dad’s last days, I admired how he accepted that the end is near with courage.  That November night in 2004, when he started giving out his last orders, was something I never really got over with.  It gave me a very constricted feeling in my chest that I can barely breathe.  Also that month, I can fully remember that the last time my dad and I went out was to eat in Pancake House in BF Homes, he made me order a lot and he ate very little.  After that, I used the free movie pass he gave me to watch a movie called After The Sunset, starring Pierce Brosnan and Salma Hayek.  The month after was the saddest Christmas I ever experienced–the fear of losing someone, the denial that something is wrong in the hope that things will be okay.  When someone is sick in the family, everyone is really affected.  Three months later, I received a phone call around 2 am from my mom telling me that he has gone.  I spent the entire day before he passed away feeding him, giving him his supplements, wiping his face, optimistic that everything will be fine and he will go home with us soon.  I never thought that going home meant someplace else.  In that stage in my life, I tried to deny the truth that I had to let go, there was still that flicker of hope inside me that he will be able to fight and survive cancer.  The mind is willing but the body just can not.  My dad and I were never close, but I guess that day was more than enough to catch up with an entire lifetime. 

Life goes on.  I still feel down whenever and wherever I remember. 

If ever God will bless me with the time, energy and resources, I would spend them wisely through cancer research as my living legacy–helping people, fight and survive this awful disease.  And to anyone, who has ever lost someone, I wholeheartedly dedicate this song, may you find solace and comfort listening to it the same way it provided me with such.

I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan

I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me
I wanna be the one

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

Tower Records is closing down (shucks, I don’t want to be stuck buying CDs from grouchy and musically illiterate salesladies from Odyssey and SM Record Bars).  At present, I think they are in the process of liquidating their assets of their stores in the mainland US.  I wonder what will happen to the franchisees here in the Philippines?  Will they cease to exist too?  If memory serves me right, Music One Corporation purchased Tower Records a few years ago.  In 1998, when Tower Records first opened in Glorietta, it was a music lover’s paradise.  The rare CDs and the extensive catalogues they carry were really impressive, not to mention the rare CD singles.

Just this afternoon, after my Linear Algebra class, I decided to liquidate my Tower Records gift card as well.  So I took the liberty of going to Glorietta just to fish out a CD or two.  Luckily, I was so glad that they have Sean "Puffy" Combs a.k.a. Puff Daddy a.k.a. P. Diddy’s latest opus called Press Play which is currently perched at #1 in this week’s Billboard 200.  The album boasts of collaborations with Mary J. Blige, Brandy, Christina Aguilera, Nicole Scherzinger of The Pussycat Dolls and many more.  Patterned after the success of his 1997 debut CD No Way Out, Press Play is something fresh to the hiphop seeking ear.  I must attest that this is one versatile artist (same thing goes with the name, how many times did he change it?  Is he bound to be the next Prince?).  Along with this purchase, I was also able to get Mission: Impossible III (one of the best action-packed flicks of 2006) for P275.  I honestly think that this is way better than the second installment of Mission: Impossible released in 2000 where  John Woo made a Jackie Chan out of Tom Cruise. 

‘Eto na, sira na ang budget ng dukhang guro: Having fully liquidated my gift card, I went to the second floor to exit the store.  Naturally, I had to pass by the VCD section.  Lo and behold, I was tempted to buy more than what I have planned.  Good thing is that I do not keep (nor plan of keeping) a credit card.  One thing that I have learned from my parents is to live beneath your means.  Still, I ended up buying 7 VCDs which are on sale for P100 or P125 a piece (come to think of it, I have three free days next week) to keep me company, to wit:

• The Wedding Crashers
• Underworld 2: Evolution
• Derailed
• Casanova
• Into The Blue
• Here On Earth
• Eight Below

After realizing the impulsive buying behavior I just exhibited, I told myself to go home before I spend any more hard-earned money.  So, my natural exit would be SM Makati to get to EDSA.  Before I realized it, my feet led me to the record bar in the ground floor.  My two eyes caught a display rack showing John Legend’s sophomore release, Once Again which features the hit singles, Save Room and Heaven.  You guessed it right, I bought it. 

Ranting: It is not even mid-November yet and I am lured to spend so much.  This behavior should be outlawed! So, what’s the moral lesson of the story: Do not pass by Makati and go home straight after class.  Nonetheless, after working so hard I do have to spoil myself once in a while. :D

Life has been very hectic lately.  My toxic Wednesday schedule requires me to work 14 hours straight.  By the time I get home, I am usually dead tired and armed with the grouchiest face I can ever sport.  It is a rat race out there and it can really wear you out.  Sometimes, I wish that I were back to full-time teaching again instead of heading an office.  In the former, my life is relatively quiet and unperturbed.  I made a vow to myself to do good at work but I do not let it get the best of me because the best of me belongs to me two special people in my life: my mom and my kid brother.  Work is important, I know.  It pays the bills and puts food on the table but keeping a striking balance between work and family is the real challenge of all. 

ERIC UNPLUGGED: Today, I took the liberty of taking a stroll by myself in Festival Supermall and spent my whole day there to unwind, just to recharge my batteries.  It feels good that just for one day I don’t have to face a desk of papers and to burn my eyes in front of the computer typing this and that.  I felt like I am a part of the human race again, not the rat race.  I even took the liberty of running a movie marathon: I watched The Grudge 2 and The Prestige.  I even bought two feel- good VCDs for P100 each: Christmas With The Kranks (really funny Yuletide movie) and Nanny McPhee (a must-see for my students who fail at good manners and right conduct).  I even pigged out on fastfood I never did before and bought chocolates to satisfy my tummy’s delight: two packs of Cadbury Chocettes and Dairy Milk.  Before I forget, I even bought a box of brownies to grow those lovehandles back (lol).  Don’t worry, I eat a hearty serving of oatmeal everyday every breakfast to flush all the cholesterol away.  In addition to that, I see to it that I eat at least one serving of fruit and vegetables too. 

For the past two weeks, dawn has never been chillier.  I smell Christmas in the air.  It feels good to curl beneath those sheets and hug that pillow while yearning for more hours of sleep (if only I didn’t have to wake up at 5 am every working day).  November is just around the corner and here are some of my target activities which are non-work related:

• Catch a screening of Flags of our Fathers the week of November 8.  This is another Clint Eastwood film, and as always, has potential for immortality just after reading the synopsis online.  My all time Eastwood favorite is The Bridges of Madison County from 1995.
• November 11 marks the Philippine release of Sarah McLachlan’s Christmas album, Wintersong. 
• Casino Royale, the latest James Bond flick, arrives in Manila on November 15.  I hope to catch it in a good theatre with good seats in a good schedule, preferably in IMAX.
• Mail Christmas cards to friends and family.  Call me old-fashioned but I still believe in the sincerity of sending Yuletide thoughts via snail mail for the reason that they are undeleteable.  Furthermore, it makes the recipient special. 
• Prepare a Christmas list for friends and family and avoid the damn Christmas shopping rush.  Avoid Makati at all costs.  Any poor soul who gets caught in the Makati Commercial Center at 5 pm in mid-December is asking for big trouble and is conjuring Murphy’s Law into action.  The trek from Makati to down South at that time of the year takes 3 hours minimum (ma-swerte ka na pag-gumagalaw ang trapik).  Just imagine your poor condition: you’re riding a jampacked non-airconditioned bus, standing inside for 3 gruelsome hours, while carrying bags of goods.  @#$^%~#%#!
• Superman Returns (a.k.a. Superman V) will be released on DVD this coming November 28.  I honestly think this was one of the best films released this year. 

ERIC FIXED:  I am very appreciative of this free day I have had.  Rarely do I get the opportunity to unwind and the last one has been a long time ago.  I do know that my spirit gets broken (and dampened) every now and then thanks to stress at work (I may not show it but I don’t want to bottle them up).  But now, I am glad that it is mending.  This morning, when I turned the TV on and channel surfed, I eventully ended with Channel V and this song was playing.  I hope and pray that this Christmas will be a better one.  I had sad ones (when my dad was ailing with lymphoma two years ago), broke ones (yeah, tell me about it year after year before 2005), painful ones (me nursing a sprained ankle and incubating the chicken pox virus) just last year.  Again, life is fragile.  Make each moment count.  Everyone is just trying to survive.  We all get hurt.  But from what I have learned: know how to unplug and fix it. 

Fix You - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Too many changes, too soon.  Such is the phrase that perfectly describes my life in the past few years.  Sometimes, the change is good; sometimes, they aren’t.  For whatever reason they may be, I learned to trust a Higher Power even more.  It made me realize that I can not do everything all by myself, something that I have always been accustomed to being the independent person that I am.  Furthermore, I also realized that I am fully human.  Growing old really opens one’s eyes to other things.  Honestly, I didn’t see life this way before.  I gained a whole new layer of spirituality in a short span of time that it is enlightening and to some extent, it is indeed a momentary state of nirvana (or satyagraha).  Counting one’s blessings really helps to get through in life just like Footsteps in the Sand.  I learned to surround myself with people who count the most.  Though there are times when I feel like I am walking this life’s long and winding road alone, this is something I always bear in mind–remember that…

God Loves You - Jaci Velasquez

In the quiet, love is reaching.
It`s yours to hold,
Be still and know that
Even when you`re lost and lonely,
And hope is gone, you`re not alone.

Through the darkness, see the light.
Remember God loves you. (remember, remember)
Remember God loves you.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  If memory serves me right, these are words of wisdom that came from the former US president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  I strongly agree with his philosophy but human as I am, it is natural to fear the unknown, especially the future.  I guess, when one grows older, the insecurities and doubts seem to pile up.  When I was 21 or 22, I have little qualms over the future.  I was armed with excessive levels of optimism and idealism to an alarming level that yes, I was a tad too foolish and naive.  Yesterday, when I attended the Graduation Rites for the nth time in PICC, seeing the faces of my students beaming with pride and joy reminded me so much of myself five years ago–I was carefree as if nothing can dampen my spirits.  Buying the 3rd Season DVD boxed set of Lois and Clark The New Adventures of Superman, after the reception in Gloria Maris, made little or no difference at all since it reminded me how my life was 11 years ago–my small, protected shell (world) comprised of home, school, TV and music.  What’s even worse I made a poor choice of watching the gory The Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Beginning all by myself in Glorietta 1.  It made me feel sick to my stomach as all the Chinese food I ate (and almost regurgitated) in Gloria Maris swam in my tummy’s digestive juices.

I guess five years did make a huge difference in my life.  In this short span of time equivalent to one business cycle, I knew how it felt to have unsupportive bosses, I learned the language of financial instability while pursuing some elusive dream, I developed skills in juggling two to three jobs just to make ends meet, I mastered the art of being independent, I met people with extremely acidic and toxic personalities that to get by, I just had to live with it; I lost my dad, and I pushed myself to limits I never thought I knew existed.  As some of my students, who used to be in my Math class in their Freshmen year say, I don’t laugh and smile as much as I used to.  I guess this is the price of getting older.  I see life from a different perspective, but I know I am not omnipotent, sooner or later, I will see life again from a different angle as I gain a whole new layer of experiences and challenges.  I just hope and pray that God will just grant me the strength to face all these and the wisdom to know better.  In that short span of five years, I realized that no one completely understands the pain you feel except yourself and no one really cares for you but your family.  I also realized that good health is priceless.  As I have witnessed with my two eyes, nobody dies from cancer itself–just from the lethal complications it brings.  Sometimes, I just wish that I were a kid again and enjoy all the simple things in life like I used to.  Kids seldom fear anything at all.

This next song is lifted from Janet Jackson’s latest effort, 20 Y.O.  Aptly titled Enjoy, this song puts a smile on my face everytime I hear it as I give the CD a good spin in my player.  Instead of being paralyzed by fear, it is important to seize the day and make the most out of it.  This time around, I will do everything in my power to master the art of counting my blessings.

Enjoy - Janet Jackson

Wake up 7 A.M.
‘Bout time we do it again
Sunshine today
I better make plans
Cause it rained yesterday
But that was ok
Cant complain
I love it either way

Enjoy la la la la la [Repeat]

Milenyo has come and gone.  Though it has one of the scariest typhoons I have experienced and witnessed next to Rosing back in 1995, I am somewhat relieved that the suspension of classes gave me enough time to rejuvenate my mind and body.  Scary, in the sense that I thought the strong winds would rip the attic and ceiling.  Last Saturday, I thought that my days on this earth was numbered.  I felt so weak and there was a fever inside me that I just can’t sweat out.  I have lost my appetite, and I lost an amazing 10 pounds in just a few days.  Thanks to the stress at work and in school.  My lovehandles shrunk and my size 32 pants became loose, I suddenly had to wear my old belt I have possessed since Freshman college.  And to think it all started with a bad case of sore throat after the end of the first week of the 2nd term.  I cured myself with sleep, water, fruit juice and soup.  The day before Milenyo came, I remember discussing the Conic Sections in COMCALC and literally, while lecturing, I was seeing circles, ellipses, parabolas and hyperbolas, I thought I was about to collapse in class. 

Then it suddenly hit me.  I am again pushing myself too hard.  I realized that ever since classes started I have less time for myself (eating and getting haircut are nearly impossible tasks to accomplish), I have anchored myself to the desk in school with paperwork, I have been spending less time with my family.  At the early age of 27, I felt ripe for the picking.  In three to four days of house arrest, my head sprung fields of white hairs, it was really freaky.  With all due honesty, deep down inside, I feel like an octogenarian.  I have been working straight for 4 years now, non-stop, no summer breaks except for the usual two-week Christmas vacation (which is still loaded and hounded by a hectic schedule).  I don’t want to look back a few years from now and realize that I have missed so much on my youth.  What if I tell you that my last memorable night out with friends was 5 years ago?  What if I tell you that I haven’t dipped my feet into the sea in 16 years?  I really don’t know if it is just me, or the hectic schedule at work, or the responsibility at home that drives me to this edge of madness.  I am utterly clueless.  I am no Superman. 

Today, I just came home from a concert of the Akafellas in the Music Museum.  My sincerest thanks to my high school friend, Didu Lopez, for inviting me.  I really needed the time to unwind.  It was indeed fun, for three hours or so, I was successfully able to chase numbers in matrix form outside my 735 cubic centimeter brain.  After the raging fever I had last week, I can feel my brain and math skills get rusty.  But I hope I am in tiptop shape now.  I was also able to find solace listening to Evanescence’s new album called, The Open Door, which I got yesterday for an amazingly low price of P355 from Odyssey ATC. 

Suddenly, I am pondering over the thought of divorcing myself from the world of books, paper, chalk and numbers.  Right now, I feel as dry as the Sahara desert.  So, what would make me take and plunge to pursue greener pastures outside the academe and PhD altogether? Lately, I did contemplate about my future, my health, and my family and below are the possible reasons that would make me go for the risky crossover (arranged in decreasing probabilities subjectively measured throughout my lifetime):

1. With an 80% probability estimate, Kraft Philippines will take me in with a competitive salary and benefit package.  This company always catches my eye everytime I pass by Sucat Road.  Being a stone’s throw away from my domicile, Kraft is a multinational company that appears stable from the external stakeholder’s point of view.  At least, I don’t have to get up as early as 5 a.m.  Catch a jeepney to the dreadfully dirty Pasay Rotonda and whiff up all the viruses and bacteria in the LRT, both of which are my staple oxygen since 1997…10 schoolyears and counting.  Kraft is just a comfortable 10 minutes away from the outskirts of our subdivision.  It is just a sad fact that they rejected my application.  Hmph!
2. With a 75% probability estimate, Tower Records or Music One Corporation will take me in as a Manager or Management Trainee of one of their stores.  This is the closest thing I will ever get to the music business.  Having lost my vocal range years ago, I can still live that musical dream by being a part of the management side of it, given my intense conceptual armada of economics, management, and mathematics, I do know that I will make an exceptional one.  I can predict chartbusters with one spin of a track.  Trust me.  (If anyone from Kraft or Tower reads this, please do hire me!!!)
3. With a 20% probability estimate, I will take the big plunge if ever I could get my hands on immigration papers to Canada, New Zealand, Norway, Australia or United Kingdom, given that the application packages are approved (apply Bayes’ Theorem and Conditional Probability here).  I am really serious on leaving the Philippines.  I know it is easier said than done.  I just keep a mental picture on how tough it was for the first immigrants to settle and start a family and build a community during the years of the Wild Frontier in the Americas.  Nonetheless, their hard work did pay off.  As long as the country has a high Gross National Product, a stable economy, English speaking and has excellent public service and education, I would be glad to trade Juan dela Cruz for good.  Don’t get me wrong nor get mad at me, I am just being realistic.
4. And if for some reason, I have a relative or two in Italy who want me to inherit their house in Tuscany, God, I will take the plunge.  Anything to do with the countryside Italy works fantastically with my five senses.  I want to retire there, to enjoy the wine and the scenery and to feast on the best pastas.  In afternoons, I would take a walk to the piazza to have a cup of tea.  In my country house, I would have several cute tabbies to take care of.  I give this event a probability of less than 10% attributing this to the so-called six or seven degrees of separation.  After all, my surname sounds Spanish or Italian.  Everytime I type my surname in www.google.com it always leads me to Spanish and Italian websites which I can barely understand.  I try to do so by using root words and context clues.  Spanish and Italian languages show strong parallelisms. 
5. Despite the scores of rejection letters I received via post and/or e-mail as responses to my applications to schools and universities in the United States, I would like to get a teaching job in Princeton University or Stanford or UCLA.  Probability:  3% which is attributed to the fact that this is my line of work and the fact that some schools took the time to write back with demanding application requirements.
6. And if for some reason Oprah Winfrey is reading this, may I have three tickets to your Oprah’s Favorite Things episode this year (you do give out cars to everyone right?)?  A job in your Harpo Productions would be great too.  You could be my Santa this Christmas and make miracles for me and my family.  I honestly find Ms. Winfrey as a beacon of hope for a weary spirit unlike other talk shows which offer no soul food at the end of the day. She has this infectious zest for life that uplifts your spirits to a higher level.  Probability: 2%
7. If through some form of randomness, an editor from Rolling Stone or Billboard magazine ever came across this blog and took some time to read my album reviews, a writer’s position in your firm would be greatly appreciated.  I know they could use some polishing but trust me Mr. Editor, music is my life.  I would love to work in any of your offices in New York or Los Angeles.  I am well-versed and up-to-date to the best releases, when to get and where to get them first.  I can analyze the content of a CD, from musical structure to lyrics in one take.  Probability: 1.5%
8. If a miracle would be in store for me, a million bucks would suffice should I win the lottery.  I have meager needs in life and I would use that million bucks as a security blanket (money serves as a false security blanket, but who cares as long as I live on interest, right?).  Probability: close to zero (just think of the number of possible winning combinations…42 taken 6 at a time).
9. And if through some form of luck or divine intervention, I get an all expense paid trip for me and my family to any of the following destinations:  Puerto Rico, Jamaica, South Africa, France, Italy, Switzerland, Mexico, or Brazil, oh I would gladly trade differential and integral calculus for such!  No questions asked!  I would pack my bags right away!  Probability:  close to zero.
10. And if through some form of spiritual revelation, by natural decree, man need not work to survive, oh boy, that would be heaven.  Probability:  definitely zero…he who does not work, does not eat. 

Despite my life sucking routine nowadays, I do have something forward to look to this week:

• Tuesday:  Buy The DaVinci Code DVD
• Thursday:  Attend the College Graduation as the first batch of the Interdisciplinary Business Studies march into the real world.  I’m proud to say, produkto ko yan! 
• Saturday:  Attend the University Graduation in PICC (shucks, ang tanda ko na!)

Inspite of all the wishful thinking, I have to thank God that I have a job.  The truth of the matter is, maraming walang trabaho…  Thus, I dedicate this inspirational song to anyone who is in the verge of throwing in the towel including myself.  It is only human nature to desire things that we don’t have but sometimes we tend to overlook the things that we have and consequently fail to live life to its fullest (just my two cents, a take on life itself).

Miracle - Whitney Houston

How could I throw away a miracle?
How could I face another day?
It's all of my doing
I made a choice
And, today, I pay
My heart is full of pain

How could you understand the way I feel?
How could you relate to so much pain?
Seems as though nothing
Can comfort me
So, today, I pray
That someone should listen

(Chorus 1:)
For nothing should matter
Not when love grows inside you
The choice is yours
There's a miracle in store
Nothing should matter
Not when love grows inside you
A voice of love is crying out
"Don't throw love away"
There's a miracle in store

How could I let go of a miracle?
Nothing could ever take its place
Thought I was looking
Out for myself
Now, it seems the pain
Is all that I have gained

I wonder if I could be your miracle
I wonder if I could spare you pain
Seems as though nothing
Will comfort me
Lord, 'less, today, I pray
That you should come listen

(Repeat chorus 1)

(Bridge:)
Don't ever throw away your miracle
Don't let it slip away
So nothing should matter

(Chorus 2:)
No, nothing should matter
Not when love grows inside you
The choice is yours
There's a miracle in store
No, nothing should matter
Not when love grows inside you
A voice of love is crying out
"Don't throw love away"
There's a miracle in store...for you