ERIC’S SONGBOOK

As one grows older, one is expected to become wiser.  And as the Yuletide season draws nearer, I can’t help it but contemplate on how I have become wiser throughout the years.  In other words, I have this desire to know how I have made progress in exchange for adolescent things.  The world is never kind for someone like me who grew up a little too fast.  Nonetheless, I still keep a child inside me.  Somehow, this child is a bearer of a flickering candle amidst the harsh, turbulent storms life brings.  The past year brings memories of my father’s demise, my encounter with a handful of untrue friends, tiresome work schedules, battles with the flu, an unstable career, chronic frustration and that’s just the icing on top of the cake. 

Despite all the hardships, I try to keep my head up and see the brighter side of things.  Let me share with you a reflection article I wrote and published several years ago:

Rediscovering St. Nicholas
By Frederick A. Halcon
Published in The LaSallian as a Convergence entry
5 December 1998

The crisp December breeze blows its prelude to the season.  And so, distant memories of Christmas evade my moment of solitude.

Many years have passed, but I am still patiently waiting for that one thing I have always wished for but have always failed to receive on Christmas morn: someone who would make me feel complete, someone to share my music with.  Though there are bound to be many more Christmases to come, I shall remain curled underneath the tree anticipating St. Nicholas’s arrival.  If Christmas is for children, maybe I haven’t grown that much after all.  All I know is that a child still thrives within me, and miracles do happen when least expected.  I may have rediscovered St. Nicholas after all.

Holidays are fast approaching and believe me, I have had my list ready as early as October.  Below is my Christmas Wishlist which I hope I could get bit by bit.  It is nice to be selfish, since I get to push myself to the limit, to work hard to get the things I want…but heck, everything’s subject to changes, more specifically…budget constraint…

CDs to buy:

•  Interview
  with the Vampire (DVD)
•  Monster-in-Law
  (VCD)
•  Mr. &
  Mrs. Smith (VCD)
• War of the Worlds (VCD)
•  Alanis Morissette – The Collection
• Eurythmics - The Very Best of the Eurythmics
• John Mayer Trio - Try! Live In Concert
•  Kelly Clarkson – Breakaway (Repackaged)
•  Madonna – Confessions
  on a Dance Floor
• Mariah Carey – The Emancipation of Mimi Ultra Platinum Edition
• Mary J. Blige – The Breakthrough
•  Nirvana – Nirvana
• Nirvana - Sliver The Best of the Box
• Savage Garden - Truly, Madly, Deeply: The Best of Savage Garden
•  Shakira – Oral
  Fixation Vol. 2
•  U2 – The
  Joshua Tree

 Food for Noche Buena

•  1 Whole PriceSmart
  Combo Pizza
•  1 Large Cadbury
  Fruit & Nut
•  Assorted Marks
  & Spencer Goodies
•  Neapolitan
  Blue Bunny Ice Cream from PriceSmart
•  Mom’s Spaghetti/Baked
  Macaroni
•  Mom’s Lumpiang
  Ubod
• My Specialty: Fruit Salad (with spirits of strawberry)
•  Red Ribbon’s Choco
  Mallows cake
•  Champagne
  or Red Wine

 Others:

•  A Nokia 1100
• CD racks for the living room
•  A new pair of jeans
•  @ least 3 new polo shirts
•  A pair of size 11 Air Jordans 18.5 (black/white)
  or a pair of size 10 Nike running shoes
•  A wooden cabinet with sliding glass for my CD
  collection

Things to Do This Week

• Get good seats to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire this Wednesday or this weekend.
• Watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose tomorrow after checking my students PRODMAN Quiz #3.
• Get Madonna’s Confessions
  on a Dance Floor.  The debut single, Hung Up, is so goddamn catchy! I can’t get it out of my head.
• Continue reading Dan Brown’s Angels and Demons.
• Scout for good Christmas gifts for friends and family.
• Buy and mail Christmas cards for friends and family. 

Ever tried to remove a scab by force? The wound bleeds again. Last Thursday, my mom and I went to the wake of a close family friend who succumbed to cancer just like my father. Just like a scab that was forcefully removed prior to its natural peeling, I bled all over again. It has been 7 months since my dad passed away and it all seemed like yesterday. I remembered how I tried to be sociable during my dad’s wake though I would rather grieve if I had my way. To make matters worse, I felt extreme pity to the kids who are now orphans even though they come from a very affluent family. No mother, no father. I was nearly moved to tears given the fact that the eldest in the family is just about my age, and the youngest is still a kid. In my silence, I understood the language of despair and loss once more.

In the lighter side, it made me appreciate my mom’s presence even more. It made me grateful that she is around to look after me and my brother. It made me realize the fact that how lucky I am that she is in good health so that she could take good care of us. It made me understand how important it is to have one’s parents around. I may not be rich but I am thankful for what I have and for all that I am. It told me to hang on the one’s you love dearly and learn how to accept happiness and loneliness as they come. It made me realize the value of good health. And if ever I experience that pain of losing someone dear once more, I think that that would be the time my world would stop spinning. That that would be the last straw. That that would be the end of my spiritual well-being.

Just this afternoon, I decided to take a stroll in Glorietta by myself to unwind.  Totally clueless, I took the chance of watching The 40 Year-Old Virgin in Glorietta 4.  The movie was hilarious beyond words.  I can truly empathize and sympathize with Andy’s character.  Oh well, I guess that makes me the 26 year-old, nevermind…

Yup, I am obsessive-compulsive person just like Andy.  I can certainly relate to his keeping of vintage toys inside their original packaging.  I used to ask my mom to open the boxes of my Transformers, Ghostbusters and G.I. Joe’s carefully without tearing the plastic casing from the cardboard attachment.  And then my kid brother came along, ruining my precious collection of Transformers.  I was also close to completing the Choose Your Own Adventure series when I was a kid.  And then my kid brother started tearing the front cover for "scratch".  I can remember that I cried cause I felt so bad and I couldn’t even spank him cause I’ll be spanked even worse.  Most of my CDs and VCDs still come with their original plastic wrapping together with the tag price and all my original DVDs are in mint condition.  It ticks me off when the plastic wrapping finally has to go due to wearing out.

Just like Andy, I am too dedicated to my job, making me too rigid.  I follow a tight schedule and it ticks me off when things do not go as planned.  This is what I get from teaching Mathematics for quite some time.  Hehehehehehe.  Life, to me, is an exact science. :) :)

Similarly, I keep a few close friends.  Though I have a lot of acquaintances, I am more comfortable when I am with people close to me.  I get more things done when I am alone.  It turns me off that I have to deal with other people’s issues come group works in school and I have to be responsible for their irresponsibility.  Heck, it is a good thing I didn’t get to work with these kinds of people when I took my Masters.  And it really drives me mad everytime I see the same free-riding people in some of my students. 

And the full enchilada: when I was 20, the DLSU Brothers community invited me to join the congregation.  Appalled, I decided to subtly and respectfully decline the offer.  Then just last year, they extended the same invitation.  Though I really appreciate it, I am not yet ready to take the vow of…well, bluntly put, poverty. Hehehehehehehe.  I can deal with the vows of obedience (sure, I wouldn’t graduate from high school being the only Exemplary Conduct Awardee a.k.a. The Doormat Awardee in my batch if I didn’t have what it takes to be an obedient one, would I?) and chastity (of course, there are alternatives for that) but poverty?!?  I don’t think so.  I work hard so that I could enjoy life.  My parents taught me how to save so that I could buy the things I want.  I took Economics for my graduate studies so that I could maximize my utility and wealth at the same time, minimize costs.  I expect some payback period for my parents hard-earned money just to complete two degrees as investment over time.   Yes, I am selfish. I killed my martyr complex when I was 19, thanks to insensitive friends.  It was then when I realized that everyone was busy saving their own asses and mine is in the firing line.  Being a LaSallian 20 years of my life (since 1985), I am not ready to become an addition to the 4th floor of the LS Building just yet.  But who knows?  Maybe someday I will just wake up about to don the white robe.  In conclusion, I am the 26 year-old nevermind…

Finally, I was able to get a copy of Santana’s All That I Am which features the refreshing and catchy hit with Michelle Branch and The Wreckers, I’m Feeling You.  The album boasts of collaboration with Mary J. Blige, Bo Bice, Steven Tyler and more.  All That I Am practically employs the same formulas used in 1999’s Supernatural and 2002’s Shaman.  The CD was initially avaiable in Tower Records Glorietta.  The staff were just displaying them in the racks when I got the nearest copy my hands could lay on.  I checked other stores including Music One and they still don’t carry the title which is very odd since Music One and Tower Records joined forces a few years ago and the former is lagging behind the new releases. 

Santana is probably right, I am just a 26 year-old, nevermind…and it is ALL THAT I AM.