ERIC’S SONGBOOK

October 1, 1995 was a Sunday.  My dad and I went to SM Southmall to catch a screening of First Knight, a film which recaptures the tales of the Knights of the Round Table.  Though that movie never really had much appeal to me, I began appreciating it when my mom bought the VCD years later.  I was too young to appreciate English history (though some would consider it as a toss between myth and legend than history).  Julia Ormond plays the legendary heroine Guinevere while Sean Connery gives sufficient justice to the role as King Arthur.  Wow, I really can’t believe that 10 years has passed already.  It all seems just like yesterday.  Ten years ago, SM Southmall was the prime mall down south.  There was no Festival Supermall yet.  It was nice to know that there is a mall that has 10 cinemas in our area.  Before, we had to go to SM Megamall or Robinson’s Galleria just to have a wide variety of choices of what movie to see.  Going back, I can still remember that I bought a paperback of Anne Rice’s Cry To Heaven from National Bookstore.  At that timel, I was fascinated by Anne Rice’s literary masterpieces.  It all started with Interview With The Vampire, which is one of my favorite Gothic movies of all time.  Everytime I read an Anne Rice novel, it seems like I enter the novel’s pages, entering her mysterious world.  Her method of exposition is very graphic.  You can say that Anne Rice was my literary femme fatale.  She is a goddess!

1995 was a year when the Tejano music scene lost a superstar.  Selena, who was allegedly shot by her own manager early that year, was hoping to crossover the English-language market.  Her posthumous English album, Dreaming of You,  was released in mid-1995 and reached pole position of The Billboard 200.  This album holds another special place in my heart.  Honestly, third year high school was a period in time that I wish to forget but I was able to find solace in Selena’s music aside from Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill and Mariah Carey’s Daydream  (I would find myself buying these albums two Sundays later on October 15).   Also, on October 1, 1995, I was able to get a copy of this album in cassette from the SM Southmall record bar for P100, (it took me 8 years to buy it in CD in March 2003 from Music One for P280).  The album spawns the smash hit I Could Fall In Love and the sentimental title track itself.  Selena’s bio-pic would hit the silverscreens two years later in 1997.  The role of Selena went to the Bronx-raised Puerto Rican Jennifer Lopez.  The said role would catapult Lopez into fame and stardom later on. 

Embarassing this day was but it still went fine.  Thanks to the music of the late Luther Vandross. While I was making some rounds while proctoring my BUSORGA class’ Quiz #1, my pants snagged on a screw on one of the chairs.  It made a bad ripping noise and I swear it made one big hole.  It was a good thing that I have a break after my first class.  So, I rushed to SM Harrison Plaza to replace the pants I bought on my birthday.  Damn, I kinda liked that pair!  The pedicab ride was even worse, the seat gave way since it was just a thin plywood.  You just can’t believe it!!!  I was in a rush, so I bought a pair that instantly caught my eye.  Good thing it matched my shirt!  A visit to the mall wouldn’t be complete without a visit to the record bar.  To my surprise, the saleslady was just displaying the tribute album to Luther Vandross called So Amazing A Tribute To Luther Vandross.  Being a Vandross fan myself, I bought the CD without thinking twice!  (When I was younger, I would even call the local record company when will they release a particular album and where they will deliver the initial copies first).  Luther Vandross is one of my biggest musical influences.  I can still remember when I was just a young kid while listening to his duet with Janet Jackson, The Best Things in Life Are Free.  I also remember how his rendition of Endless Love (a Lionel Richie-Diana Ross classic) with Mariah Carey made my bad Sophomore year in highschool worth the while.  His album Songs released in 1994 is one of my cherished CDs ever.  I bought the cassette tape on October 20, 1994 (the last day of the 2nd Quarterly Exams and The Lion King was showing in the theatres of ATC) in National Bookstore.  The following day, a typhoon came, but I kept playing on Endless Love on my SHARP Cassette Player.   I wore the cassette easily so I saved enough money to buy the CD on December 24, 1994 in Pop Station in ATC. You can consider that as a Christmas gift to myself. That CD cost me P375.00 and it still stands to this day!  I just love listening to it!  I wonder why God gave me such a vivid memory?!?

The tribute album showcases covers by Alicia Keys, Aretha Franklin, Babyface, Wyclef Jean, Mary J. Blige and a lot more powerhouse R&B artists as of recent memory.  But among the 14 covers in this CD, my two favorites include Celine Dion’s rendition of the Grammy-winning Dance With My Father and Patti LaBelle’s Here and Now, one of the biggest ballads of 1990.  At this point, I would like to dedicate Dance With My Father to my dad.  The lyrics of this song fits my life so appropriately.  The original track was co-written by one of my musical icons, Richard Marx.  Both Vandross and Marx lost their fathers.  Sometimes, you’ll never know the pain depicted in a song until the same event transpires in your life…  Pa, this song is for you.  We love you so much and we miss you!  To Mr. Vandross, thank you so much for the inspiration brought by your songs!  The music industry has indeed lost a legend, but your legacy lives on…

Dance With My Father
Luther Vandross

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around ’til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I’m praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don’t do it usually
But dear Lord she’s dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

Here And Now
Luther Vandross

One look in your eyes and there I seeJust what you mean to meHere in my heart I believeYour love is all I'll ever needHoldin' you close through the nightI need you, yeah

I look in your eyes and there I seeWhat happiness really meansThe love that we share makes life so sweetTogether we'll always beThis pledge of love feels so rightAnd, ooh, I need you

Here and nowI promise to love faithfully (Faithfully)You're all I needHere and nowI vow to be one with thee (You and me), heyYour love is all (I need) I need

Say, yeah, yeah...

When I look in your eyes, there I'll seeAll that a love should really beAnd I need you more and more each dayNothin' can take your love awayMore than I dare to dreamI need you

Here and nowI promise to love faithfully (Faithfully)You're all I needHere and nowI vow to be one with thee (You and me), yeahYour love is all I need

(Starting here) Ooh, and I'm starting nowI believe (I believe in love), I believe(Starting here) I'm starting right here(Starting now) Right now because I believe in your loveSo I'm glad to take the vow

Here and now, ohI promise to love faithfully (Faithfully)You're all I needHere and now, yeahI vow to be one with thee (You and me), yeahYour love is all I need

I, hey...yeah...yeah...hey...Uh, hey...I-I, love is all I needOoh...ooh...yeah...Yeah...yeah...hey...yeah...yeah...Love is all I needOoh...ooh...Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahOhHey...yeah

Thank God weekend is here.  Yesterday, I bought some groceries in SM Makati (yup, I’m the surrogate breadwinner and provider now) and I was able to treat myself to a good dinner in Burger King.  I just love that Mushroom Swiss burger.  Prior to these, I watched the 5:30 screening of The Constant Gardener in Glorietta 4.  The film strikingly emphasizes Africa as a poverty-stricken continent, not because of their own making, but due to the fact that unscrupulous pharmaceutical corporations take advantage of their politico-economic and socio-cultural situation.  Ralph Fiennes’ performance, as a UN diplomat obsessed to trace the cause of death of his wife, Rachel Weisz, is superb.  Rachel Weisz, a pseudo-human rights activist performed splendidly too.  Though this film is not everyone’s average blockbuster in the silverscreen, it was worth my P110. 

It is the job of any gardener to tend to the flora of the garden.  In life, it pays to shower the garden of life with compassion, most specially the oppressed, the down-trodden, and poverty-stricken people of the world.  The film opened my eyes to one realization:  the Philippines and Africa have poverty in common.  Thus, it is our role to be gardeners in our own right.  Clean the dirt.  I guess there is a gardener in me too. 

For some fanfare, I was able to buy Kanye West’s sophomore outing, Late Registration.  I just love listening to his current #1 in the Billboard Hot 100 chart, Golddigger, a track which features the Academy Award winning actor, Jamie Foxx.  Funny thing is, the CD is available in SM Makati’s Record Bar.  I tried looking for it in Music One, but it was nowhere to be found in the store considered to be a music mecca.   Anyway, here’s to a great weekend ahead…

So far, so good.  It is the 2nd week of the 2nd term and I am teaching 2 subjects for the first time.  It is really funny, just when I wasn’t expecting much, DLSU is hiring me full-time this term.  I was really entertaining the thought of going back to the corporate world…  It is really, really funny.  The week before the term started, CITEM, a government agency in the World Trade Center, is also planning to hire me as part of their Corporate Planning department.  I really thought that it would be a good idea to explore greener pastures outside DLSU.  When I returned to school for the first day of classes, I was even in hot water, details are too many to mention.  Technically, I still haven’t received my promotion papers from the first term.  To think that those were filed last May 2005 and it is already September!  You’ll never know how exasperated I’m feeling, even up to now.  Just recently, the VPAR is asking for my explanation for the hours I missed classes (which were made up), which is another delay for my promotion to push through! Well, is it really my fault that my dad died?!?  There it goes, another blow to a sensitive part of my life that I am trying to get over.  God, it seems like I’m dying and grieving day by day, kung alam nyo lang.  Prior to that, they were asking for a list of my professional memberships and all that stuff.  Another delay.  To be honest, I always keep a pro-forma resignation letter in my e-mail’s inbox.  So there, 5th year of teaching + Master’s degree in Economics + 4.5639 ITEO Evaluation in QUATECH = Stuck-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-because-I- have-absences-cause-my-dad-died-and-there-were-days-that-I-am-sick-with-flu-and-I-really-doubt-it- if-DLSU-would-grant-me-the-title-of-Assistant Professor.  I’m pretty sure DLSU can find a better QUATECH and PRODMAN teacher.  It is so hard to quantify things in life.  There are always external variables rendering the equation too hard to analyze and interpret.  In a regression equation, puro error terms. My friend told me to give DLSU another two trimesters.  I just hope and pray that I will have the energy and the patience to stay longer.   I am beginning to think that my dad was right–he got frustrated when I told him that I choose to become an educator.   And true enough, palaging nasa huli ang pagsisi.  I would like to start 2006 with a clean slate, try to leave all the excess baggage behind.  I want to forget everything bad that transpired in my life for the past three years.  I really don’t think that being hired full-time, if ever it were true, would heal the wounds.  Weighing the opportunities, I think I have a better career in education if I stick with St. Scholastica’s College, Lecturer 4 is better than Lecturer 1.  My mom added fuel to the fire saying "Sayang ang talent mo".  She kept on emphasizing me to go for my dreams.  And my dreams are in music!  God, if only You could show me the way…..

I know my blog makes me sound like the most self-absorbed human being on the planet…I’m crazy, I know.  But that’s the way it is.

Wake Me Up When September Ends
Green Day

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

Never commit mistakes.  It is one lesson I’ve learned as early as 3 years old.  Those who play with fire, always get burned.  I am known for making my worst nightmare come true.  Still, when destiny takes its course, it chooses some people to learn the hard way.  In the past few days, I find myself wallowing in regret for the wrong choices I’ve made.  In life, people are always on the lookout for mistakes.  And I should be very careful not to make any.   History has it that no one ever bails me out of the misery that I am experiencing whether self-inflicted or destiny-triggered except me.  I am always paddling my own canoe amidst this sea of grief and desolation.  In the struggle for perfection, no one really wins.  I am the sore loser in the end.  Always been.  Always will.  It feels like my dad died all over again, I’m picking up the pieces all over again, I’m starting all over again, I’m losing everything all over again, I’m empty all over again, I’m scarred all over again, I’m crawling all over again, I’m grieving all over again….Lord, when will this sorrow ever stop?

Pa, I would like to dedicate this song to you…I miss you terribly…Just when I thought things were bad in my life before you passed away, it is only now that I realized that yesterday was much sunnier when you were around.

Take Me, I’ll Follow
Bobby Caldwell

Tired of feeling all by myself
Being so different
From everyone else
Somehow you knew
I needed your help
Be my friend forever
I never found
My star in the night
Feeling my dream was
Far from my sight
You came along and
I saw the light
We’ll be friends forever

Take me wherever you go
I wanna learn the things
That you know
Now that you made me believe
I want you to take me
‘Cause I long to be able
To see the things
That you see
Know that
Whatever you do
I’ll follow you

1.)  I wish that at least 95% of my students are responsible, behaved and hardworking, and they would adhere to the houserules to be discussed on the first day of classes. 

2.)  I wish that at least 98% of the days that I have to report to work, it would be sunny and/or cloudy, as long as it is not rainy.  Juggling 15 units of teaching, stress, and a stormy weather spells FLU!

3.)  I wish that come course card day in December, the traffic in Metro Manila is manageable and malls are not that congested.    Red is the color of the season and I don’t want to sign course cards in Red.  I really feel bad for students who fail this time of the year, even though it is their fault that they failed. 

4.)  I wish that the PRODMAN, BUSORGA and ECONONE Final Exams are easy to check, better yet, computerized.

5.)  I wish that my ECONONE students are not Freshmen!  Freshmen classes are the toughest of the lot to handle.  They are like vampires, they suck all your energy.  After each period, I am a wilted vegetable. 

6.)  I wish that I will grow less gray/white hairs.  The past 3 terms are very stressful and tumultuous to me that I have grown white hairs above my left ear.  I told ya that even though I’m only 26, deep down inside me I feel like 106 years old.   I certainly have no ambition of becoming DLSU’s Albus Dumbledore before I turn 30, biologically.

7.)  I wish that with the amount I’ll be getting as my 13th month pay, I would be able to buy myself an mp3 player, an i-POD is totally way out of my pocket’s league.  Majority of the money I earn is deposited in the toilet bowl as remnants of bodily nourishment.

8.)  I wish that I could get Mama and Don-don something nice for Christmas, though I am totally clueless up to this time as to what I should be buying as presents.

9.)  I wish that record companies would stop releasing all the good CDs every November and December as part of their revenue-generating campaign.  I tend to buy almost all good CDs released at those months of the year, leaving me penniless come January.  DVDs and VCDs included.

10.) I really wish that my dad were here to celebrate Christmas with us.  He’s not much of a Christmas person when he was still alive and considering that this is the first time we’re not complete as a family, I really don’t know what to feel come that day….

Wishes, wishes, wishes…

Dream Away
Babyface & Lisa Stansfield

When this world
The real life world you’re living in
Just gets too much for you to take
When you find
Too many troubles on your mind
And feel just like there’s no escape

Hook

Mom is out for a retreat over the weekend and my cousin, Malou, and her friend, Cha, will be dropping by for the weekend to keep my brother and me company.  I can’t wait till we play ungguy-ungguyan (which is the only card game I really mastered playing) until the wee hours of the morning.  All house gimmicks I’ve been through are far much satisfying than mall gimmicks.  I’ve bought some VCDs from Robinson’s Festival that will last us through Sunday. Right now, I’m seeing Assassins, a an-action thriller from 1995 which stars Sylvester Stallone, Antonio Banderas and Julianne Moore.  Pretty cool!  Not a dull moment so far.  It is one of those movies that put Antonio Banderas’ career on the star map. Truly one of the glued-to-the-edge-of-your-seat-thrillers.  For some savoir-faire and easy-watching, I was able to find some Julia Roberts’ flicks on sale.  From the lot, I got Something To Talk About, also from 1995.  I don’t think I saw this film in the silverscreen because the MTRCB gave it an R-18 rating and I was 16 back then.  Hehehehe.  The said film also stars Dennis Quaid.  Mom cooked Sinigang na Baboy and Pakbet for our meals.  I made some egg salad sandwiches and iced tea.  Her friend told me that they will bring some chips to complete the meals. 

To throw some party music, I got this CD from Odyssey in Robinson’s Festival called PowerTraxx, released via Sony Music (a company I really dream to join) last year.  It used to sell for P450.00 but I got it for a bargain price of P100.00 flat!!!  It is a 2-CD compilation of recent rock/alternative hits from recent memory.  I already gave them a spin and some of my personal favorites are: John Mayer’s No Such Thing;  Switchfoot’s Meant To Live;  Our Lady Peace’s Somewhere Out There; Five For Fighting’s 100 Days; Nickelback’s Someday and Splender’s I Think God Can Explain.

The red carpet is all set….

Okay.  This day in my personal history exactly 8 years ago–September 1, 1997 marked my finals in ACTONEA.  It was really a red-letter day, despite the fact that my brain cells can not afford to take any break at that time.  This was one subject that made my Freshman year in college, quite, unforgettable.  Not only did I need more than 50% in the finals to pass, but it was 3 am in the morning and I was still memorizing the format of the multiple-step income statement. I was still in the process of digesting the lesson of discounting notes receivables and the terms of FOB. I am no nerd, nor a whiz kid back in highschool and in college.  I was just pretty average.  But never in my academic life did I feel so distressed.  Debit and credit simply did not make any sense for me at the tender age of 18.  To think that my finals was at 7:00 am and on a Monday made things worse.   To relieve the stress of the garagantuan preparation I did for the finals, my mom and I watched the last full show of Dear God–a film about a postman (Greg Kinnear) answering letters addressed to God, the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, et.al–in the old Greenbelt the night before the exam, which was August 31, 1997, Sunday.  My memory is still so vivid, it amazes me.  The theme of the movie was so appropriate with all the things going on in my life at that time.  But never did it cross my mind that there are bigger things in life than a course card when I was 18…

Come finals, aside from being bangag, as most of my students now would call it, I was able to balance a balance sheet for the first time in my life! And it surely did feel like I have finally reached nirvana!!!  Yes, I did get a 1.0 in that subject, where the passing rate is 75%.  I made a pact with myself that I will never get a 1.0 again and true enough, I was able to meet my end of the bargain.

Why post this entry?  Cause I feel like I just got a 1.0 in my career…an all-time low.  I still feel like a student after all these years of working…still learning from my mistakes…