ERIC’S SONGBOOK

True Colors
Cyndi Lauper/Phil Collins

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness, inside you
Can make you feel so small

Cos there’s a shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Beautiful, like a rainbow

I just wish I can sing this song to myself.  That’s what I get for feeling so down and out lately.

It is a little funny…just when I was about to start enjoying a stress-free week, the cold just kicked in.  I just woke up yesterday with a bad cough, phlegm included.  I think I racked enough sleep-debt the past 14 weeks, and my body is already calling for payback time.  It is indeed funny cause I was even too religious taking those multivitamin pills the past few weeks: Brewer’s Yeast (Vitamin B), Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C), Squalene-S (Vitamin E) supplements inclusive.  Damn these colds!!!  For the past few days, I feel so lousy–as if my body weren’t my own.  I think my co-teacher was right, "Don’t stress yourself too hard".  Just imagine the stress I would undergo if I were to distribute the course cards just today…   I had bad experiences with such Course Card Distribution Days in the past (nope, I never knew the feeling of getting 0.0s in my student life, it is just the fact that students would even plead for a passing grade even though they did real bad…they even followed me to the LRT station begging for a 1.0 a few terms back.  They would even re-answer the final exam, on the spot, pleading for a miscomputation).  Thus, I make it a point to distribute the grades a few days after I have checked the final exams.  Less hassle, less stress, early vacation!

My cousin and her friend will drop by this coming weekend for a sleep-over.  Another session of Ungguy-ungguyan over a deck of cards!!! I hope her plans would push through.  Mall gimmicks are pretty expensive and I’m saving my resources so that I get to see Jennifer Connelly in Dark Water next Wednesday.  So, house gimmicks are strongly advised…one of my propaganda on cost-cutting!!!

Call me unwell.  But as I was cleaning my room, I started reading notes for my PRODMAN classes next term…What is wrong with me?!?  It seems like I just can’t get rid of this tendency to prepare lessons…it has become automatic on my part (It took me quite some time to realize, that it is so wrooooooongggggggg, a mortal sin against my vow to enjoy this vacation, that I needed badly).  Out of desperation, I was even able to find my old PRODMAN notebook which is 6 years old stuck at the rear end of the counter beside the door to my room!!!  I was even attempted to make acetates for the first day’s lesson!!! Insane me! I was even toying with my calculator, computing sample problems for the topics on Reliability, Product Service & Design… I keep on telling myself that can wait for next week…

Unwell
Matchbox Twenty

All day

Staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night

Hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

I’m feeling like I’m headed for a

Breakdown

I don’t know why

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know, right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Me

Talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

I know

I know they’ve all been talking ’bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow

I’ve lost my mind

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

I been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they’ll come to get me

Yeah, they’re taking me away

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy I’m just a little impaired

I know, right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Hey, how I used to be

How I used to be, yeah

Well I’m just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

Call me Mr. Pathetic, but I always find time to join these online contests from Yehey!, PinoyEXchange, Clickthecity.com, Pinoycentral, and many others.  To be really honest, I always have my fair share of prizes for three years in a row.  To name them all, they are:

2002

• Jennifer Paige–Positively Somewhere (courtesy of Yehey!)
  • God, this CD sucks big time!!! No wonder why this CD is extinct and so is the artist’s career.  Sorry Jennifer, Crush may be a cheesy hit by this album doesn’t make the cut.

2003

• Tuck & Patti CD–A Gift of Love (courtesy of Yehey!)
  • This jazz album is a gem! I’m totally swept off by their acoustic rendition of Cyndi Lauper’s Time After Time
• An Anger Management T-shirt (courtesy of PinoyExchange)
  • …didn’t get to see the movie though.  I rarely watch Adam Sandler movies.  Everytime I watch one, I feel like I’m losing half the population of my brain cells.  Then again, I think my kid brother bought the VCD…
• 2 tickets to the premiere night of Freaky Friday (courtesy of PinoyExchange)
  • This movie is so funny!  Suddenly, I think I am infatuated with Lindsay Lohan!!!  My mom and I had a date in Robinson’s Galleria.  I think she liked the movie.

2004

• Sheryl Crow–The Very Best of Sheryl Crow (courtesy of Yehey!)
  • This rocker is a goddess!!!  All I Wanna Do always reminds me of high school.  Her cover of Cat Stevens’  The First Cut is the Deepest totally blew me away!!!  Actually, I already have a copy when I won this contest, I just place the one that I have won in my mom’s car for some easy listening.
• 2 dozens of Vanilla Coke in cans (courtesy of PinoyExchange)
• 6 Lucky-Me Instant Noodles and P1,000.00 worth of gift cheques from SM (courtesy of PinoyExchange)
  • I’m not much of a noodle person…parang walang sustansya!  But I think, I used the gift cheques to buy some polo shirts for work, I don’t want to wear jeans all the time to school.  Even up to now, some people in DLSU still think I’m a student….

and as I am beginning to feel exasperated since I have never won any contests since January this year, let me present my first share of this year’s online blessings:

2005

• 2 tickets to the premiere of The Dukes of Hazzard in Robinson’s Galleria for tomorrow night (courtesy of Clickthecity.com)
  • …off to a great term break ahead!!!  Good thing I distributed my students’ course cards this morning!

Anyway, I hope and pray that I get to win more of these!!! Hehehehe!  Mabuhay ang mga online contests!!! :) :) :)

People always try to hide scars.  In an attempt to cloud a view of reality, some people opt to mask scars with material possession, false friends, and vices.  Scarred people are beautiful, as one writer might put it. Others may know me as the smiling type, shy and reserved–my world of thoughts is inward, but I hate to break the news to you–I do know how to party.  I observe things more than I feel, honestly.  Right now, I think I am one of those scarred people who are still in the healing process.  I have drowned myself with work to mask my frustration in everything I have been experiencing.  To make things better, I made a solemn vow not to bring any work related stuff at home so that I could spend quality time with my mom and my brother.  Yesterday, I finished checking 87 QUATECH final exams, I even computed the final grades and signed their course cards (11 out of 87 did not make the cut).  What a feat!  There were terms when I had much worse, 120 final exams to check and I myself had to take a final exam in the evening (for a Masters degree that I am beginning to regret, and to despise!!!)   Work is beginning to suck the life out of me, bluntly put.  If only man need not work to eat…

When I began teaching in 2001, I was very energetic and passionate about it.  I look forward to go to work.  Now, I am dragging myself out of bed. I guess, as a fresh graduate, I was too excited to face new challenges.  I was even very excited when I made my first COMATH1 quiz!  I was so eager to sign my first batch of course cards (I liked the idea of being source of dread cause when I was a student I used to dread getting a grade lower than 3.0).  But now, seeing 120 course cards to sign drives me nuts!!! For one whole week, I will unplug myself from the real world; recharge these batteries, hoping that something good will give them a jumpstart.  Come next term, I am slated to have 200 students!!!  2 PRODMAN classes, 2 BUSORGA classes and 1 ECONONE class!!!  And I don’t want to be overwhelmed by the thought of it… 

Some of my closest friends (even my mom) told me that I push myself too far, causing me to fall and be scarred.  I tend to expect something in exchange for another.  But with all due honesty, I am getting wrong results for things done right, something that violates a universal law.  Khrishnamurti, an Indian philosopher, wrote in his book that there is strife because of ambition.  How true!  I am a living, classic example!  Another scar!  But as I have observed, modern-day society is fueled with ambition, an ambition brought about by the human condition.  The need to eat, the need to secure oneself, the need to educate one’s mind, the need to clothe one’s body, the need to quench the unlimited thirst of the human mind, the need for acceptance…an ultimately, the need to achieve self-fulfillment!  But what is self-fulfillment?  I thought I would find self-fulfillment in teaching, but instead I found frustration and self-pity.  In my opinion, self-fulfillment is nothing but a fleeting shadow, a figment of one’s mind to elevate itself from the deepest, darkest, recesses of the human soul (I don’t know where these words came from…this is too spontaneous on my part).  To alleviate myself of strife, I am conditioning my mind not to expect anything at all in return…

The scabs that reveal scars in the future are worth appreciating too.  They prepare me for the tougher times ahead.  They equip me with the skills needed to overcome any challenges.  Thus, they make me stronger.  Scabs are like "The Scarlett Letter", they serve as a mark, at least in my opinion, a sign of wisdom (though in the novel, it is a sign of a social outsider).  I know I may act childlike; even worse, childish.  But, that is just the tip of the iceberg.  I always thought of myself as an old soul finding delight in simple things.  Heck, I don’t wanna tie the know at the age of 26 and still unprepared.  When I settle down, I want to have my own car and house, a fully-paid insurance plan, pension plan and educational plan for my kids.  And I want to earn my PhD!  (Okay, here I am again expecting too much and if I fall short, I get scarred…nonetheless, the joy is in the ride!)

In conclusion, everybody just seems to hurt.  Scars are indeed beautiful.

Everybody Hurts
R.E.M.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on

Music has always been a part of
my life as long as I can remember. My
mom used to have a betamax video of me playing spinning my first toys—a
turntable. Mom and Dad used to bring me
to Music Nook in Plaza Fair when I was around 3 or 4 to buy the 12” long
playing records (the vinyl) and the 7” singles. We used to live in Makati back then and I was an 80s disco baby. That’s why I always relate my lessons in class to the pop culture of
that era. Thank God the store is still
alive up to now despite the imminent threat of piracy. The mall is a haven of pirated DVDs as I have
seen.

As I grew older (and perhaps
wiser), I started buying cassette tapes. If I can remember correctly, some of my first tapes were Michael
Jackson’s Thriller, Robert Palmer’s Addicted
to Love, Vanilla Ice’s To The Extreme,
Madonna’s Like a Prayer, M.C.
Hammer’s Can’t Touch This,
Metallica’s Ride the Lightning (I
would even hide it from my friends and classmates because our Christian Living
teacher told us that we would be possessed by the devil if we listen to heavy
metal music), Andrew E.’s Humanap Ka ng
Pangit. Mama, Dondon and I would go
to The Landmark and SM Makati back then almost every weekend. I loved the old Makati.  We used to eat at Pizza Hut across Landmark, where Greenbelt 3 now stands. There was the Rizal Theatre, there was
Gibson’s (the store where I bought my very first Transformer which was
Sideswipe), the real Makati Supermarket (I love the spaghetti and the
burger), QUAD Cinemas, etc. I guess I preferred commercial
value to substance back then. I hope you
do forgive me for my classless taste because I was just around 10 years old. In 1989, a cassette tape would sell around
P75.00, which was quite expensive in those years. It was a luxury to start such a collection. At that time, I was also learning to play the
piano though I failed to have a recital. My interest was divided between Solfegio and Super Mario Brothers,
sadly, the latter won.

Then I became a Freshman high
school student, my taste in music somehow evolved. I was digging the works of Michael Bolton, C
& C Music Factory, Bryan Adams, Color Me Badd, Kenny G, Sting, Sade,
Babyface, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Toni Braxton, Janet Jackson, Pearl Jam,
Nirvana, Whitney Houston and a slew of soul artists at that time. My thirst for music was insatiable that I did
do well in my Music classes. Our
teacher, Mrs. Datu, asked us to do a rap in Filipino to the tune of Madonna’s Holiday. We were even asked to make a layout of our
orchestra and conduct in front of the class. Our project was to make an album cover of a long-playing album. At the end of the grading period, I got a
grade of 97% and I still have my report card to prove it! Come sophomore year, I auditioned for the
high school chorale and I sang Beauty and
the Beast for my audition piece. Peabo
Bryson is one of my earliest musical influences. Up to now, his songs If Ever You’re In My Arms Again, Love Always Finds a Way, and more
that are still radio staples. In February
1995, I was a back-up vocalist for the school play, Oliver, which was staged in the Meralco Theatre. In Senior year, I played the role of the
butler in The Sound of Music also in
the Meralco Theatre. I performed in the
opening night, which fell on Valentine’s Day of 1997. For the first time in my life, I never had
any stage fright in front of such a huge crowd. I never experienced a sense of self-fulfillment and a natural high at
the end of something I have done for the first time in my life. And I really miss that feeling.

Then came college, my obsession
with numbers overpowered my passion for music thus pushing it out of my
life. I was still into music and the pop
scene in 1997 is consumed by Puff Daddy’s tracks. If it is not Puff Daddy playing on the radio,
it was the Spice Girls or the Hansons. Writing
poetry for the Malate Literary Folio was a shoddy substitute. In 1999, I sang Fallin’ in front of a crowd in the 16^th Annual DLSU
Awards for Literature, and my voice was horrible. My voice range changed and I guess I’m no
tenor anymore. Now, I can barely
sing. But I can still play simple piano
pieces. I can still play Somewhere in Time and the Beatles’ Yesterday.

My life is really incomplete
without music in my life. If ever I have
the chance, I would pursue music as a career not necessarily in the performing
scene, I am really interested in music as a business—operations and financial
management maybe. Now I realize the
importance of following one’s dream, life is too short to take detours. Never a day goes by without me spinning a CD
or singing a song from my childhood while in the bathroom. Never deny yourself the chance of reaching
true happiness. Take little steps in
making things happen. I might as well
start today, not tomorrow. 

Rainy days are here.  Days like these, there is nothing like sleeping on a warm bed, dozing off the days away.  Perhaps, enjoy a cup of hot chocolate and a good book (aside from QUATECH and COMATH textbooks and references of course).  It is a good thing that I have declared tomorrow as a Project Paper day for my QUATECH classes.  I really need the time off and sleep.  I feel that my health might give way sooner or later if I don’t get any sleep.  For one day, I won’t be doing anything related to work.  I’ll just stay at home and be a couch potato, something that I never had the privilege of doing for a long time.  I would rather watch DVDs and VCDs at home.  I am amazed that I have missed so much on the boob tube.  Back when I was a kid, I have memorized all the cartoons’ schedule on TV.  No, I don’t even give a damn about what’s on TV.  No news on TV is ever good, if they’re not feasting on someone else’s career demise, they’re busy scheming to overthrow the government.  If the press do not find delight on some cheesy celebrities’ lives, they’re off concocting a brew for the latest gossip.  Talk about character assassination.  MTV has even lost its flare for quality programming.  They have dropped notches from my list of interesting things to do.   I don’t want to sound like a person of the past, but MTV’s programming is very lame and commercialized.  Whatever happened to their quality VJs like Belinda Panelo, Donita Rose, Mike Kasem and Nadya Hutagalung?

I am now at a crossroads in my life.  Frankly, I really need time to rethink my priorities in life.  For the past few weeks, I am spending more time doing work related stuff than spending time with my family.  I need to somehow pamper myself for all the hardwork.  I really make it a point that I seldom bring any paperwork at home, except lesson preparation.  But in reality, no matter how hard I prepare and give my all everytime I deliver a lesson, a 4.53 out of 5.000 ITEO evaluation in my COMCALC class last term (Outstanding) is still no good for DLSU.  I think it is time to find another venue for my career.  I really want to find a place where my efforts are somehow recognized and appreciated.  I am not getting any younger, nor is my body getting healthier.  I can remember in my ORIENT3 class 5 years ago that I placed teacing as one of my career options just to get a feel of it.  I have been getting "hints" or "signs" to find another job for 2 years now but I don’t want to take the gargantuan leap of being unemployed for the time being (my dad, when he was still alive, really wanted me to go into the corporate world, but I just can’t withstand aby form of organizational politics, it really makes me sick).  Earning a handful of thousand bucks is better than being hungry.  I have friends who entered teaching at a later date than I did (I started in 2001), they do not even have a Masters Degree yet and their rank is way past mine.  I guess Lecturer 1 is really a long incubation period.  When I was just starting in DLSU, I have to worry about my teaching load every term, so I have to apply to other departments to get a full 12-unit load, something that I have been doing for nearly three years considering the fact that it is only my 2nd term of handling 12 units.  (I even applied in the English Language Department to teach ENGLONE, believe me.  I applied in the BM Department around 4 times after graduation since 2001 before they took me in last year; Economics Department 3 times; Financial Management 3 times.  But it was the Mathematics Department that took me in as a fresh graduate, I kinda miss my boss in the Math department cause I felt that she really appreciated my efforts, she promoted me from Assistant Lecturer to Lecturer 1 after 4 terms of service without me asking for it.  Now, it is Lecturer 1 all throughout). After 5 years, I have been teaching almost every quantitative subject imaginable: ALGE101, ALTRIG1, COMATH1, COMATH2, COMCALC, COMSTA1, MATH111, QUATECH, BUSORGA and BEHAORG.  Next term, I am slated to handle 12 units of PRODMAN and BUSORGA.  The Economics department even asked me to handle an additional 3 units of ECONONE.  It is really funny when things come along your way when you are not looking for them anymore.  I think it is going to be a really busy 2nd term.  It is blessing that my former STRATEM professor in Senior year college hired me as a faculty member of St. Scholastica’s College just this June, at least I have a contingency plan just in case DLSU feels like disposing me already.  I really have no plans of being unemployed. It is just that I don’t see myself as a corporate slave until I grow old.   I already have sufficient work experience even before I earned my Bachelor’s degree.  I worked right away as a part-time faculty member of the DLSU Math Department and as a full-time high school teacher in DLSZ after graduation.  It was really funny cause I was not even a Math major but the Math department hired me.  I am really grateful for that. Perhaps, that’s why I was able to stay for 10 terms with them.  I can recall that I did so bad in the teaching demo.  The topic was Inverse Functions and I forgot to define Inverse Functions first and went straight to the computations and graphing.  I guess my high grades in COMATH back in college did help me get in.  Of all the courses I have taught, I enjoy teaching COMATH1 and COMATH2 a lot.  Talk about getting older, my first batch of students have graduated already, I saw some of them in the job fair in school a few terms back. 

Enough career talk, I still have to worry about paying my insurance policy’s premiums due two weeks from now.  I really have to muster some savings for that.  It is that time of the year to go on a budget tripping again.  Adult life isn’t as easy as it seems, now I know why dad is so grouchy everytime he comes home from work.  The bills easily come in like clockwork every month but hanging on to a job isn’t.  Pa, thank you so much for the memories I really miss you and I can’t wait until I see you again.  In the time being, please do guide me in everything that I do and help me make the right choices in life.