ERIC’S SONGBOOK

1995 was a year that marked a transition in my life—from an insanely naïve adolescent to a preposterously fermented being awakened to the forbidding realities of the world.  All the time I was battling acne, poor social skills (yup, my classmates back in high school loathed me and I really don’t want to go back) and low self-esteem, while finding solace in music and writing, I came to discover more of myself—that despite all these shortcomings, it made me trust myself more than I ever trusted someone.  It has been decade since I felt so angry and repulsed by almost everything I see and everyone I meet when I was 16.  I can still remember that I found a personal savior in the music of Alanis Morissette in her debut album Jagged Little Pill. 

Last Thursday, I rushed to Festival Alabang (kudos to the buses that traverse the South Superhighway corner Vito Cruz, travel time to the South was only 20 minutes)  to unwind after administering a Long Quiz to my Marketing classes in St. Scholastica’s.  I browsed through some CDs in Odyssey and the next moment, I find myself buying the 10th year commemorative edition of Jagged Little Pill.  Upon reaching home, I gave the CD a spin and I was flung back in time.  Suddenly, I felt like I was 16 again.  I can still remember how raw I felt when I first heard You Oughta Know, how flustered I was when I played All I Really Want and how I underwent spiritual enlightenment when I pondered on You Learn.  You may say that Morissette was my spiritual femme fatale.   In fact, as part of the working class, her hit Hand In My Pocket holds true for me, “I’ m tired, but I’m working, I’m young and I’m underpaid…”  Her opus holds so much wisdom that it became, inevitably, a soundtrack to my life.  For the first time in my life, listening to Jagged Little Pill brought me close to nirvana on earth as an adolescent. 

Thank you Alanis for your song, that made me really made me learn a lot…

You Learn
Alanis Morissette

I recommend getting your
heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

I was never into mushy stuff.  Love songs, maybe, and the power ballads of the 80s and 90s, but never really sentimental stuff.  As far as I can remember, I seldom watch again movies sharing the same theme of unrequited high school love, blah, blah, blah…love me, don’t leave me.  But four years ago, watching this particular movie changed my attitude on appreciating love stories that concern destiny.  You  may say that it has erased, partly, my prejudice towards these films.  Serendipity, a film which stars Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack, spelled the huge difference.  It was shown here in the Philippines last November 2001 (a time when I was busy spending my very first 13th month pay and Christmas bonus, that’s why I just can’t forget).  If memory serves me right, I was with my co-faculty back then, and I pleaded her to treat me to Cheesecake, etc. before we watch the film (she was about to see it the 2nd time).  I even bought a cassette tape of Train’s album which features the hit single Drops of Jupiter.  What really fascinated me is how the film subtly revolves around the topic on destiny–how people entrust their fate to the moon and stars and how one decision makes a huge difference in one’s life.  In my observation, our choices lead us to our destiny.  We are bound to make certain decisions which leave us marred–never to be the same again.  In a nutshell, it is a film which really makes you feel good at the end.  It gives us a feeling that you are flung to the high heavens in a pursuit to meet Ms. Right.  A few weeks after watching the film, I was compelled to buy the soundtrack album which features tracks from John Mayer, Annie Lennox and more.  Among the songs from the album, The Distance by Evan and Jaron is my perennial favorite.  Read further and contemplate on its amazing lyrics. 

The Distance
By Evan and Jaron

The sky has lost it’s color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that’s how it feels to me
Whenever you’re away
I crawl up in the corner
To watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time you’re cominback

It’s hard to remember
As long as you’re away
When I find solace
There’s only one way

Home is a sanctuary.  Home gives a sense of belonging, and so does the family living in the house that constitutes the home.  An old Burt Bacharach-Hal David composition, A House is Not a Home, is a gem that discusses the same issues.  Rummaging through my CDs that I purchased this year, I came across Michael Buble’s It’s Time.  Without further ado, I spinned the track called  Home and I was totally blown away with how the lyrics of the song really were.  At the end of the day, I think everyone really deserves a home to return to.  The song goes…

Home
By Michael Buble

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I’m fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
                   

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me
                  

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

The title of this blog entry
might mislead, if not confuse, some of its readers. Nope, I did not experience any stormy weather
today or the past few days, at least literally. I see to it that I keep an umbrella inside my utility bag everytime I go
to work. You can’t be too sure of
anything these days. There is nothing
like being prepared. It doesn’t take too
much thinking to formally conclude that Metro Manila is one nasty jungle.

Going back to the title, it
certainly pertains to miserable goings-on in my life for the past three
years. After switching jobs (just to
earn a Masters degree that did not even payoff a single cent up to now),
convalescing several attacks of the flu (having worked three years straight
with no vacation is beginning to take its toll), earning paychecks
(representing a downward sloping linear function), witnessing a lot of false
promises in life (from career and even to my faith), losing my dad (which is
truly the last straw in my life confirming that even though 99% of your worries
do not happen, you could still end up at the 1% if providence loves you so
much), juggling odd jobs (to the extent that I tutored a kid with ADHD for
nearly two schoolyears—the kid even attempted to break my back and gouge my
eyes out in his “energetic outbursts” and another kid who expects to pass the
ACET by prioritizing Playstation and making me answer his assignments), I am
proud to conclude that I am a likely candidate for the most miserable man in
the whole world. Yup, the rain never
stops in my tiny universe. In fact, the
more acid the rain becomes day after day. What’s even worse, the more I try to make things better for me and my
family, the more I discover that I am going nowhere. It is just like that I am running in place
desperately seeking for some form of sanctuary, a place where I can rejuvenate
and recharge these batteries that are flagging out of energy. When I was younger, say 21 or 22, I thought I
knew what I wanted from life. But I
guess, it is also a blessing in disguise when I realized at such an early age
that life is not a thornless bed of roses. Now that I’m in my late 20s, I think I lost my way. Bluntly put, I think I lost all form of
interest in most things, the music on the radio all sounds the same; the food
taste all the same; the TV shows are still the same; the news are still the
same. When will the rain ever stop??? I hate getting my feet wet. I despise trudging down the flooded
thoroughfares of life unarmed with a crude umbrella. I scorn on my meaningless existence no matter
how much time and energy I spend on making things right. I abhor reading self-help books pretending
that there is a right formula to spiritual, emotional and intellectual
well-being; the authors sounding that they know you and your life inside
out.  I detest people who pretend life is so fine
and the commercials on TV projecting that money is so easy nowadays. I loathe people who are always trying to get
the best out of me for their own advantage. When it rains, it pours. Cats and
dogs included… 

…and even if the rain stops, and
the sun shines, I think I’ll still wear a raincoat and my glum face, just in case.
 

Looking back and reflecting on my life as a teacher, I do believe that there were a handful of films that really inspired me to take the road less travelled as an educator.  To name a few, these are Music of the Heart, Dead Poets Society, The Mirror Has Two Faces and With Honors.  From Music of the Heart comes this theme song penned by multi-awarded songwriter Diane Warren.  One of my musical icons, David Foster, produced the track.  The song was performed by *NSync and Gloria Estefan.  I just love the unadulterated honesty and raw emotion of its lyrics.  If ever I become a recording artist one day, I would really feel privileged to perform, if not record, this song. 

Music of the Heart

You’ll never know
What you’ve done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul…

Music of my heart
Music of my heart
Is the music of my heart…

At this point, I would like to express my sincerest gratitude to everything that exists in the world that gives me the strength to face another day.  Thank you God.  Thank you Mom for the gift of life.  Thank you Dad for your legacy.  Thank you cousins and baby brother for your company.  Thank you friends for hearing me.  Thank you destiny for all the joy and pain that only you could ever bring.  Thank you Divine Power for your gift of song.  Thank you.  I am truly grateful.

19 July 2005

Manic Monday, Tiring Tuesday & Biting Butterflies

The weekend is still way beyond
the horizon and I am exhausted already. You can say that it has been a Manic Monday and a Tiring Tuesday. I can’t wait until Saturday when I can just
stay at home and rest. Frankly, I think
my body and mind still haven’t fully recovered from my dad’s passing (which is
the last straw in my life that has been rolling downhill since 2002).
Everything just happened so fast. Anyway, I just came from my class in St. Scholastica’s where my students
just reported on their respective products’ Market
Analysis. I am quite satisfied with
their output except a handful who need to revise some parts of their
report. On the way home, I bought a VCD
of The Butterfly Effect, which stars
Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart from Video City.

To be honest, it is one of those psychological
thrillers that ponder on the ideas of what
could’ve been and what ifs in
life. Though I am a staunch believer of
man making his own destiny, I do believe that all of us are bound to make
certain decisions in life whose consequences may be events that we can
ultimately learn from. In the film, I
can still remember that everytime Kutcher reads his diary, he goes back in time
in an attempt to make things “right”. In
the long run, when he returns to the future, things are never the same. He gravely suffers the outcomes of his
decisions even though his intentions are basically good. Conclusively, it always boils down to the ripple effect (though some may opt to
call it the domino effect). No matter how small our deed is, it still
creates an impact to anybody’s life in the end. Again, I can not emphasize more importantly the significance of making
good choices. Honestly, I am also guilty
of making choices on impulse and the results are far from gratifying. Nonetheless, it is also important to learn
from these outcomes. In life, there are
no mistakes, just lessons to be learned. As an educator for nearly half a decade already, I can truly affirm to
the saying that life is the world’s
largest classroom. I can also add to
that adage: learn well and study smart.

If only…

I am not getting any younger and
I truthfully feel that my life is still going nowhere. I think people my age are driving their own
cars (though dad left me his Tamaraw FX), residing in their own condominium
units, perching on a stable niche on the corporate ladder, enjoying all the
things life has to offer. I do not know
what’s wrong with me but after 14 terms of teaching, a Masters degree in
Applied Economics are still insufficient. I am beginning to regret having taken graduate studies, I could’ve spent
those two years building a career someplace else. I hate to admit it but getting two degrees,
one of which, with honors and loyalty still does not guarantee a smooth sailing
career. I fear that I am doomed to be
Lecturer 1 for life. Again, there are no
mistakes just lessons to be learned. Lord,
show me the way…

If only…

I can’t wait to get my paycheck
tomorrow. Those movies that open every
Wednesday serve as my motivation to get out of bed, do my job, and enjoy the
afternoon in a theatre. Watching movies
alone, after a hard day’s work, serves as my therapy. Then perhaps, I’ll enjoy a simple sumptuous
dinner.

Let me share the lyrics to Soul Asylum’s 1995 hit, Misery, from the album Let Your Dim Light Shine.  Both song and album title truly reflect how I feel in this stage of my life. 

Misery
-Soul Asylum

They say misery loves company

We could start a company

And make misery, Frustrated Incorporated

I know just what you need

I might just have the thing

I know what you’d pay to see

I’d do it for you, would you do it for me?

If only…

If only…

If only…

I have always been a big 80s and 90s music fan, to be more specific, my eyes are glued to the TV screen everytime I see/hear videos being played from the late 80s to the early 90s.  Thanks to the pop ditties and rock ballads that graced the music industry back then.  Viva MTV Classic!  Don’t blame me, it was my formative years.  One of my favorite rock ballads was from 1985 by the Canadian artist, Corey Hart.  Let me post the lyrics to his inspirational hit song, Never Surrender:

NEVER SURRENDER
Corey Hart

Just a little more time is all we’re asking for
Cause just a little more time could open closing doors
Just a little uncertainty can bring you down

And nobody wants to know you now
And nobody wants to show you how

So if you’re lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won’t lead you home
You can never surrender
And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no one can take away your right
To fight and never surrender

With a little perseverance you can get things done
Without the blind adherence that has conquered some

And nobody wants to know you now
And nobody wants to show you how

So if you’re lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won’t lead you home
You can never surrender
And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no one can take away your right
To fight and never surrender
To never surrender

I hope all of you can relate to the message of this song.  :)  Ahhhh, the healing power of music!

Though I failed to get up early,
I was still able to muster enough determination to get the 6^th book
of the Harry Potter series in ATC today. My body was already preconditioned for the past few weeks to just stay
at home, unwind and make do with all the VCDs I have bought since 2003 (Waterworld, License to Kill, Braveheart,
Chariots of Fire, and the list goes on and on) and yet was unable to
watch. I didn’t know that upon getting
the book I am entitled to a P100 gift cheque. I am planning to save it for Dan Brown’s Angels and Demons once I am done reading J.K. Rowling’s latest
masterpiece, The Half Blood Prince. At first, I didn’t want to open the book
just yet because the shrink wrap is in mint condition. As of writing, I’m about to start reading
Chapter 4. The first chapter is already
concocting enough mystery to keep me glued the entire Sunday. Call me obsessive-compulsive but most CDs and
VCDs in my collection still come with their original plastic wrapping. I think the oldest one to date is my CD of
Lauryn Hill’s solo debut album, The
Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, which I bought in October 1998, if I do recall
correctly. Just like Rowling’s literary
opuses, Hill’s album is truly a classic! Never before did a rap album sound so mature and profound! It is truly ahead of its time. I can still remember that 1998 was one of the
worst years of my life—a time when I almost hit rock bottom in almost all
aspects of my life. Listening to Lauryn
Hill’s CD at that time made a huge difference, most especially the song Everything is Everything. A line in the song went, “After the winter, must come spring.” And spring did come to my life in 1999, the
year I bid farewell to my adolescent concerns. My life was never perfect but I was glad things went just fine.  Music and movies are my greatest vices in
life…my personal saving grace.  I wish I could still write good feature
articles and I wish I could still sing the notes of a tenor. The last time I performed in front of a large
crowd was in February 1997, thanks to The
Sound of Music. That performance
really was the zenith of my musical career back in highschool…

Mama and I had a light lunch at
Burger King. I didn’t want to leave Mama
alone at home knowing that she will be lonely so I took her for a stroll in
ATC. We even bought some groceries from
Makati Supermarket. Call it luck but I
was also able to get a VCD copy of Sofia Coppola’s most recent effort, Lost in Translation from Tower Records
for a measly P99.00! It is one of those
dark, cold, romantic comedies that you have to spend time analyzing after
watching. My dad has always been a fan
of Sofia Coppola’s father, Francis Ford Coppola. I make it a point to keep my dad’s The Godfather Collection in pristine
condition in our living room. I can
remember I saw the Lost In Translation
sometime last year in SM Megamall and the film’s introduction was eerily quiet
with a prolonged focus on Scarlett Johannsen wearing pink underwear. The
movie’s caption read: Everyone wants to be found. Aside from being thought-provoking, I
honestly think that the movie really evokes some form of human emotion that
yearns for self-discovery. At the age of
26, I never really thought that I would be the head of a family. (Honestly, at the age of 24, I feel like I
was 88 years old, though I don’t flaunt it). I guess it is also my destiny, ever since I was a kid I am touted as the
responsible one. And I don’t even know
why! Recalling my high school days, when I spearheaded most class projects
and stuff, I found it very difficult to deal
with all sorts of people. Of course, I
do get the blame if anything goes wrong. Same story back in college! That’s why I always keep my ace up my sleeve. Who’s there to impress in the first
place? People are too busy minding their
own business to mind you! In the long run, it was an enlightening
experience. I learned to trust my
capabilities more and I learned, most importantly, that I can make things
happen.  Though I would really enjoy a
day of being carefree, I just can’t afford to take that risk at this point in time.  I think I grew up too fast! Let’s just say that I’m the kind of person
who would dwell on the repercussions of my actions to my future. Based on my personal experience, life seldom
gives me any second chances that’s why I can’t afford to make any
mistakes. Going back to Scarlett
Johannsen, I am looking forward to catch her in action on The Island this coming Wednesday. I’m planning to see Lost In
Translation tonight if not, tomorrow evening.

August is fast approaching and my
kid brother will be celebrating his 19^th birthday. I wonder what I will give him this year? Speaking of August, I need to pay my
quarterly insurance premiums too. By the
time my insurance matures, I computed that a Burger McDo Meal will cost P120++
by the year 2023 assuming a constant inflation rate of 5% compounded per annum
(which is a very conservative estimate). I also wonder how much the toll fee by then? In other words, the insurance, upon maturity,
will be worth peanuts!!! Well, I’m just
after the protection I guess. If
anything happens to me (knock on wood), at least Mama and Dondon will get
something to sustain their basic needs. I swear to get another insurance policy after completing all the
necessary payments. It was only recently
that I discovered truth behind the caption of the Clusivol vitamins advertisement: Sa panahon ngayon, bawal
magkasakit! And I truly attest to
that.

Hmmm, I wonder when will I ever
study again? I really want to take my
PhD or DBA before I turn 30. It has been
more than a year that I haven’t studied at all. I think my mental skills are becoming rusty. If only I was allowed by the school to take
my DBA… It seems like DLSU doesn’t have
any scholarships for that degree. I
already passed the interview and the entrance examination last December. It was quite funny cause I was the one who
formulated the questions in the Mathematics part of the exam. I made the questions when I was still with
the Mathematics Department! I think
that’s what they call serendipity. When
I saw my results for Math, I finished in the 99^th percentile! If only I had the means of financing the last
stretch of my academic life…

Hey, I just got hold of Missy
Elliott’s new album The Cookbook! It is an awesome R&B/Rap album laden with
smooth grooves courtesy of the hottest producers in the industry. The first single off Missy’s
culinary/auditory masterpiece is Lose
Control, a track featuring Slick Rick and Ciara. Actually, I switched my CD player into repeat
mode into playing this song over and over while I was taking a bath. Other hot songs in this album are Partytime, Meltdown, Joy, Irresistible
Delicious and On & On. This is Elliott’s noteworthy album since
2002’s Under Construction. Her 2003 release, This is Not A Test lacked The
Cookbook’s heavy R&B artillery. Believe me!

One more day to go before the
start of another week…well, I hope and pray it will be a relaxing, lazy Sunday!

July 15, 2005, Friday…for most people who are part of the working class, this day marks temporary heaven, heck, it is payday weekend, but for me, I guess payday is still on Wednesday.  Here I am at home trying to compose my very first blog entry my entire life and I’m sorta proud of it.  It is a good thing that I had an early start on my weekend, it actually began yesterday afternoon.  After my class in St. Scholastica, I rushed to ATC to check out some movies and CDs in Tower Records only to find out that barely have any new releases this weekend.  I was planning to get Nelly’s Sweat/Suit CD, or the Foo Fighters new album but then I figured out since I have the Suit CD already, it would be a waste of money.  I can still remember buying a CD of two copies of the same album in cassette form just for the car, for my room and for the sala set back when I was in highschool.  I think I wore several copies of Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill album and Mariah Carey’s Daydream back in 1995 and 1996.  I didn’t go to school today because I declared this meeting as a project paper day in my 3 QUATECH classes while my COMATH1 class is having their SALIKSIK recollection as of writing.  I really need the time to rest. 

Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince hits the shelves of local bookstores tomorrow morning.  I wish I could get out of bed that early to catch the 7:01 am worldwide release and perhaps have a cup of coffee in Starbucks. I reserved a copy last June 18 in Powerbooks ATC.  If it weren’t for my
co-faculty back in Zobel four years ago, I wouldn’t be reading Harry
Potter, I seldom go with the flow… I am keeping my fingers crossed
that it will be a good read.  I rarely like the crowd in ATC every weekend. To be honest, I go to malls on weekends to unwind after a hard day’s work to avoid them. 

Though I doubt it if I have enough time to spare for leisure reading, I still have a lot of lessons to prepare for my QUATECH classes–Sensitivity Analysis and The Dual Program.  I think all the lesson preparation is starting to take a toll on my weary head. It is a good thing that I get to keep my COMATH1 teaching load, there are days when I go to class armed with a chalk.  I guess it is a direct application of the Learning Curve, I gain expertise by using it a lot.  I kinda like the next lesson, Systems of Linear Equations in Two Unknowns: Graphical and Algebraic Methods.  I enjoy teaching Algebra a lot, I’m beginning to think she is my soulmate. Hehehehe!  I have been teaching that subject since June 2001.  Sadly, I never really had any form of vacation since Summer 2002.  Work, work, work.  I am quite intimidated by the amount of paperwork everytime I give an exam.  Seeing 160 papers sitting patiently on my desk waiting for my red pen really drives me crazy!!!  And to think that finals is fast-approaching.  I also think I gave a very easy Quiz #4 to my QUATECH classes, the Graphical Approach to solving Linear Programming problem is way too easy for them considering a handful got a 100% in that Quiz.  Just wait till I give Quiz #5…hehehehe

You know what, it really scares me a lot to see that there are educators out there who are really passionate in their jobs.  My friend’s grandmother worked in a public school her entire life.  She taught Sibika at Kultura for more than four decades.  My dad stayed in his company for 45 years too.  I wonder if I can achieve the same feat.  The thought of the future scares me, I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.  I can’t believe that this is my 5th year of teaching and my 20th year in De La Salle University-operated institution.  But to be honest, I am jealous of the Green Archers who are more identified with La Salle than I am. 

Damn! It is really hard to be the head of the family.  Ever since my dad passed away, I took a lot of participation in the household expenses–most especially the food and the water.  Most of my salary went to these and the other utilities at home.  The challenge is to stretch the peso lonnnnnnnnnnnggggerrrrrrrr!  I am an economist, I can do it!  Heck, juggling two jobs ain’t that bad.  I really miss you pop!  I hope I make you proud.  I may not earn that much but I am doing my best to make ends meet.   I hope I made the right choice of becoming an educator, I can still remember that my parents were a little frustrated when I told them that I will be a teacher four years ago.  Can’t wait to see my dad again!  I dedicate the songs One Sweet Day  and To Where You Are to you.  Mama, Dondon and I love you very much.  Never a day passes by without you being thought of. 

My kid brother borrowed some pirated DVDs from his friends and I saw that he was able to borrow the Pierce Brosnan-Salma Hayek flick, After the Sunset.  I can remember my dad gave me a premiere movie pass and I used it to watch the said film in the big screen back in November 2004.  That was the last time I saw my dad ever drove his car, we even ate at Pancake House in BF Homes that afternoon, he even dropped me off the jeepney station going to the theater.  His health started to decline steadily since then until he passed away in March 2005.  Though we were never that close, I really miss him so much. 

Anyway, that’s it for now.  Have a nice weekend ahead!!!