ERIC’S SONGBOOK

Pardon my long absence.  It has been quite some time since I have written my last blog entry.  If memory serves me right, it has been months and I have lost count of it all.

As 2010 commences, I have to thank a lot of people who have made my 2009 one of the better years I ever lived.  It has been eight years since the last good one.

• Thank you Lord for blessing me with the courage to move on with my life.
• Thank you Life for making each moment a learning experience.
• My gratitude also goes out to my Mom and my Brother for being there in all ways always.
• My dearest Assumption College family for showing me the path of healing.  Yo te amo con todo mi corazon…para siempre.  Thank you for welcoming me as part of your permanent full-time faculty roster.  You have given this weary heart a home.  Muchas gracias.  Dios te bendiga.  I would also like to thank my co-faculty members in the Milleret School of Business & Management for Women and in the General Education Department for their support and friendship.  Special thanks to all my students as well.  May God bless you all.
• To all my friends who stood by me despite the test of time, you are very much appreciated.  Thank you for your gift of friendship.

The past year, I was extremely preoccupied with teaching, graduate studies and tutoring.  So, what is there to look forward to this year?  There are a lot actually.  Hopefully, I will be finished with my dissertation by the end of 2010.  I have completed all the course requirements as of September 2009.  I have a research assistant who will help me out with my data gathering.  There are also travelling plans on the horizon.  I will also be celebrating my 10th year of teaching come June 2010.  I honestly can’t believe that I have been teaching for that long already.  Time flies.  Teaching was never really an original part of my plan in life but I guess there are detours along the way that we just have to figure out the direction where God wants us to be.  I stopped counting my teaching years a few years ago but when 2010 kicked in, I realized that it has been indeed that long already. Still, I find it strange that people think I am still young as if I just graduated from college two or three years ago despite some of my gray hairs and fine lines on my forehead.

I find it strange that as time passes by, the way I see things also change.  As you may have noticed, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago when I started writing this blog.  I guess that’s the gift of wisdom kicking in.  Maybe it is one of those perks one gets from being in his 30s.  Instead of posting a wishlist, I just want to share these lyrics to a song that best describes my aspirations this year.  This time, I promise to keep things short and simple.

Better Days CD single cover

Better Days (2006) - The Goo Goo Dolls

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days
Cause I don’t need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight’s the night the world begins again
Cause tonight’s the night the world begins again

Turning thirty is not as bad as I have thought. When I was about to turn twenty, I asked myself what are the things that I have done with my life and why do I feel old? There are some questions in life where the answers unravel themselves in the right place at the right time. I always believed that life is a mystery to be lived and not to be solved. As I bid my twenties adieu in less than 48 hours, I would like to express my sincerest gratitude to the Lord for guiding me all through these years–through thick and thin and most especially in those trying times which I thought will never end. I would also like to thank my Dad for raising me in the best possible way he could think of. It is only now that I realize the wisdom in all his preachings. Thank you Mama for bringing me into this world. Thank you Don for being my kid brother. I would also like to thank my friends and relatives who are taking some precious time to read this.

Aaliyah album cover circa 1994

Aaliyah said it best that age ain’t nothing but a number. Who would have ever thought I would make it this far. When I was younger, I didn’t even bother thinking of what the future may have in store for me. Hopefully, as I forge ahead into the next 30 years (or even more) of my productive life, I ask the Lord for the gift of wisdom, a higher sense of awareness and consciousness. I am no longer the kid I was but at times, it is indeed nostalgic to look back and reminisce those simple days and to also recall how impishly innocent my desires were. No matter how hard I try to be a man of unworldly things, I have to face the fact that society dictates and judges those who join the rat race of life. As long as I hold steadfast to my principles, I guess everything will be alright at the end of the day.

1999: Age 20

• Had my first taste of what it is to be in the corporate setting as a management trainee in a local pharmaceutical firm near Bicutan, Paranaque. I realized how different theories could be from actual practice. Life is much more complex that what I have thought.
• Made a solemn vow of making the most of any opportunity that will come along my way as I joined school contests and became actively involved in school
• Went to Baguio for the first time since 1982 (The Lasallian Summer Workshop) and fell in love with the place
• Moved out of the house for one week to stay in Mama’s business apartment in Makati and realized that living by myself is harder than what I have suspected
• Tried part-time modeling and realized that it is not as lucrative as what people try to project it to be

Age 21: 2000

• Realized that life is one big popularity contest as I won the post of Batch Representative in the DLSU Student Council under the banner of Santugon, I honestly don’t see myself as a politician despite my leadership qualities
• Went to Antipolo City for a Management Effectiveness seminar
• Resuscitated part-time modeling for extra income. Appeared in MTV and the now-defunct Channel V (Watch U Want) as a model in between programs. Pati Hanggang Saan Ka Man Naroroon starring Janice De Belen and Rico Yan, as a set extra pinatulan ko na rin. Major realization: People go great strides to make a living.
• Senior Year in College: Had a difficult time juggling studies, modeling and SC work. Another realization is that people are extra nicer when you are popular. The once wallflower is now invited to parties left and right. Had a real difficult time with ECONTRI and BUCOTAX I was very thankful that I passed with a 3.0 and 1.5 respectively. Ang hirap mag Dean’s List with so many commitments.
• Last OJT as an ACM student: Merck Chemicals, realized that the operations of a multinational corporation is different from that of a local corporation
• I started toying with the idea of teaching as a career, I realized that i was in the wrong course at too late a time.

Age 22: 2001

• I almost killed myself by studying to hell just to get a GPA of 3.500 prior to graduation.
• I was the only person who graduated with two medals in our block: one for Loyalty and one for Honorable Mention.
• Spent my 22nd birthday a tad lonely because mom had to assist someone who runs Goldilocks and I promised myself to work my @$$ to hell to get a good paying job so that my mom wouldn’t have to
  work hard and away from home.
• I got a teaching job in De La Salle Santiago Zobel as a high school faculty member. First monthly salary: P15868. I got into part-time teaching as an Assistant Lecturer in De La Salle University Mathematics Department even though I am a Business Management graduate. The latter said I was too young and I needed some experience. So, I went and got the experience someplace else as I taught COMATH1 and MATH111. Rate: P159/unit. Major realization: Everyone has to start at the bottom of the ladder and the climb is not at all easy.
  
• It feels good that I am now able to buy stuff I have always wanted and I was watching movies and buying CDs all the time. Later did I realize the value of savings for future use.
• Dad was persuading me to go to graduate school while he was still employed. Dad, at that time, was already 61. I took the entrance exam to the Master in Applied Economics (M-AE) program in November 2001 and got accepted. My STUFAP scholarship was also approved.

Age 23: 2002

• Resigned from De La Salle Zobel because my bosses (my former Christian Living and former Physics teachers) did not approve of my graduate studies. Moral lesson: Never work for your former teachers. I was forced to return the salary I received from them for Summer 2002. Realization: It is back to square one. Make wise and informed decisions and learn how to save. In the workplace, no one really gives a damn. The stress of being broke caused me to spend the first week of school nursing a bad cold.
  
• I continued my stint in the Math Department as I taught ALGE101, ALTRIG1, COMATH1 and COMATH2 term in and out. Rate: P170/hour. So much for my bread and butter, adjusting my lifestyle from able to unable was very straining.
• I started graduate studies (with partial scholarship) and I was having a difficult time shifting my mindset from my management background to being an economist. The approach to the latter discipline is very different and extremely mathematical. My stint with the Math Department helped me cope.
• I learned how to tutor kids and teenagers ranging from grade school to high school to earn extra money.
• Being underemployed was hard for me. Christmas 2002 was almost penniless in my case. I was mad at myself for having such very supportive bosses in my former employer and what’s even worse, alma mater. If my memory serves me right, this was the time when my dad was telling me that there is not enough money in the academe. I was disobedient, I still carried through with my idealism.

Age 24: 2003

• The slightest iota of teaching started seeping slowly. I
  

  Norah Jones

  was tired most of the time and my back ached at the end of each day.

• I found recluse in jazz music. Thanks to Norah Jones’ Come Away With Me, one album that remain a favorite to this day.
• My kid brother started going to College of St. Benilde (CSB) to pursue Multimedia Arts. I was very happy for him.
• I psyched myself up that I am a social worker every Wednesdays as I make enough money just to pay my income taxes since I get paid for only two hours of lecture. My teaching load fluctuated badly and I can not make decisions that concern my future so I got myself a pension plan with Prudential Life with very low quarterly premium payments. I started instilling the discipline of saving.
• I was promoted from Assistant Lecturer to Lecturer 1 by Dr. Blessilda Raposa, the former Chairperson of the Mathematics Department. She is one of those rare bosses who sees potential in her faculty members. I taught BUSORGA for the first time as a shared faculty with the Business Management Department.
• Spent a lazy summer day taking a dip in the Hidden Valley Springs with the Mathematics Department faculty. It was my first time to have fun with colleagues in a long time.
• It was first time to teach in Summer. I handled ALGE101 and made a decent sum of money.
• 2003 was a relatively peaceful year: intellectually and spiritually. At age 24, I was still finding my center and my place in this world…I still am. Strangely, it was the calm before the storm.

Age 25: 2004

• Dad already showed signs of failing health as January. It was first time to have a monthly salary of P2000 since I was only given 3 units of teaching.
• While teaching ALGE101, I took the comprehensive exams for the MAE program in Summer 2004 and passed all four exams. I graduated in June 2004.
• I applied for reclassification of rank but was denied because a Masters degree in Economics in not recognized for promotion in the department I worked for. I asked myself why the hell did I hurry my Masters degree for?!? I finished all requirements of the degree in 6 terms and 1 summer.
• I realized that I am getting older and I am still not in a stable position in life. It was hard for me to see my dad ill and dying and I couldn’t even help because I cannot even help myself a bit even though he has enough finances to pay for his own medicines and hospital bills.
• Business Management finally took me in as a part-time faculty in September 2004. However, I was still stuck as Lecturer 1. I began feeling that I was stuck in a rut and I am not even progressing.
• I applied with China Bank as a Management Trainee and I almost got the job but the offer was still insufficient to get me decent lifestyle despite the long hours of service I will render.
• I ventured into tutoring students once more to make extra money.
• From July till the end of the year, my Dad became weaker and weaker.
• This was a period when I was in denial, I refused to see the truth that my life, both personal and professional, is not at all going well and it was because of my choice to stay in the profession I felt was right for me and I am slowly paying the price.

Age 26: 2005

• I taught COMCALC and QUATECH for the first time and later did I know that these will be my fields of expertise and will generate a publication and a slew of outstanding evaluations from students.
• Dad passed away March 4, 2005…a month and 3 days short of my 26th birthday. A part of me thought he will survive, a part of me thought that this was coming. I was a wreck but I tried to smile and be strong as I went back to work and carried on.
• I visited my relatives in Naga City in Bicol to help me find my center and for emotional support in the Holy Week.
• I finally filled the shoes as provider and breadwinner of the family despite my measly salary.
• That summer, I was able to handle 6 units as I taught BEHAORG for the first time. It helped me get through the household expenses.
• An opportunity came as my former Strategic Management professor took me in as a professor in St. Scholastica’s College June of that year. I taught Marketing Management under the Entrepreneurship and Franchise management Department. I was given a rank of Lecturer 4 and a higher rate. I was glad that there are plans for me to be groomed as the next Department Chairperson.
• DLSU reclassified my rank and hired me full-time in September after St. Scholastica’s College hired me part-time so I had to let go of the latter. The Economics Department of the former even asked me to teach with them. I taught PRODMAN and ECONONE for the first time. My career trajectory that year in a span of few months: Lecturer 1 -> Lecturer 4 (in SSC) -> Assistant Professorial Lecturer 1 -> Instructor 7 -> Assistant Professor 1. It was too good to be true and it felt fishy but well-deserved due to the long and agonizing wait for a better career. I realized that there goes an opportunity where I could have grown roots someplace else. Later did I found out, that this was the beginning of the end since it is a brand new count for 3 more years for tenure to be granted but I still rolled with the punches. Some people weren’t that happy that I joined the roster of full-time faculty.

Age 27: 2006

• Teaching took a brand new toll. I was sick most of the time. I started the year with chicken pox and a sprained knee. I even think I got the mononucleosis.
• I was nominated for the Students Search for Outstanding Teachers Award that year.
• I had my first disciplinary action with students whom I caught cheating in a final exam. The lawyer was even mad at me for giving her work. This was my first brush off with a lawyer.
• I presented my paper on Foreign Direct Investments in China in a Lounge Lecture Series.
• My life generally felt like it was on track despite my fragile health. Life was on the fast lane while I was working for DLSU.
• Started working on my Ph.D. in Business Studies.
• I handled 6 units of Summer classes again and then I received a call, it was the beginning of the end as…
• …I got appointed as Director of the Interdisciplinary Business Studies (IBS) and helped produce its first batch of graduates. No one even lasted more than a year in that job except me. Let’s face it, at that time, I didn’t know how to read people’s intentions and all I wanted to do was help. I guess you really get your hands dirty while doing administrative work. Sooner or later, you will find yourself opening Pandora’s Box. Saan ka pa makakakita na ang thesis adviser, sya na rin ang panelist??? No one really wanted to help me running that place…I was a rubber stopper placed to plug a leak. Later did I find out that it will asphyxiate me till near death and no one would even bother giving me CPR. The problems I faced were also interdisciplinary in nature and I was left alone to paddle my canoe through turbulent waters. Trabaho ng anim na faculty members, ginawa ko. I had to be the blunt of insults and jokes while running that office.
• I reported to work in between contracts with no pay just to run that office.
  
• I was sent to Cebu City for a major research project courtesy of PEARL2/CIDA.
• Major realization: Is this the price I have to pay to earn a living?!? Is it all worth it?!?!?

Age 28: 2007

• I made a vow to myself that I will sharpen my priority management skills. Things can wait and I have to work on my own rhythm and pacing. Circumstances found me doing otherwise. I would spend three days a week working from 10 am to 9 pm nonstop, with a few minutes to spare for eating and peeing. Money was good but it was spiritually and emotionally draining. I was juggling research, mentoring, administrative work and graduate studies all at the same time. Life was indeed in the fast lane and I wondered if I will make it in one piece, alive and breathing.
• I handled summer classes again, all 6 units of them.
• My boss at that time told me that I was supposed to be in some other position but my boss decided to keep me in that office for one more year since I was doing ‘a great job cleaning it‘. It was a clear sign that I will rot there. The person who got the job spent the year poking fun at me, laughing at me in meeting and embarrassing me in front of my two full-time faculty members. I needed an escape hatch badly so I tried resigning last September so I can teach in St. Scholastica’s College, where life was more peaceful. But my boss wouldn’t let me. So I stayed. I began feeling the extreme exhaustion and toll. They wanted my services but they couldn’t give me the tenure I felt I deserved so they offered a consolation prize - a scholarship to Spain for a Masters Degree despite the fact that I have a Masters degree already. I really needed an assurance that my job is stable, if they want me to commit to that. From the words of my boss, she even wanted to dissolve my office. Taking that Trojan horse will be a step backward so I declined. The workload increased, the insults were there, and I had to take it all in at the expense of my self-esteem. The tactless and rude remarks were omnipresent and I abhorred going to meetings.
• October 1, 2007 a near-tragedy struck my kid brother. I found him stabbed and bleeding in the middle of Posadas Avenue. He was coming home from work. I almost lost him. If I haven’t passed by at that minute, I could have lost him and I will never forgive myself if I did. I lost my balance. I lost trust in people. I almost lost my faith and godliness. Despite all the hardships in school, here comes another blow. I never felt so low in all my life until this moment came. My life savings was so close to fully drained.
  
• The school started forcing me to sign my Ph.D. study contract. Sensing that I wouldn’t last in that kind of environment, I started financing my Ph.D. studies with my own pocket and savings. Moral lesson used: Fend for yourself. Nothings comes for free. If they want your sanity in exchange, it is not worth it.
• My self-esteem was in such a bad shape that I needed an escape hatch and I started considering applying to other companies and schools to start anew. Never did I feel so short-changed, used and abused in my whole life that I get anxiety attacks up to now.
• To ease the finances, I was able to get a consultancy project with the Philippine Health Insurance Corporation with Mr. Francis De La Cruz.
• Come December 2007, I received a call from a training company which offered twice my salary as a professor. Regretfully, I declined since I will leave DLSU at such too short a notice. At times, I still ask myself how different my life could have been had I accepted the offer. It could have been my trip to salvation. Major realization: There is a world of opportunities out there.

Age 29: 2008

• I started mapping out my action plan for the year. If I stay in DLSU, they will make me run IBS with no faculty 9since they are due to retire that year) and no staff and it was explicitly stated by my boss in a January meeting (as she asked me “Kaya mo ba?”) OR venture into the outside world. Actually, kaya but it is just so goddamn unfair. So, I started applying to different schools: CSB, St. Scholastica’s College, Asian Institute of Management, etc.
• In February, I presented my paper on “Piracy and the General State of the Modern Music Industry” in a conference held in the Asian Institute of Management. Dr. Ricardo Lim was the panel chair. Two months later, I got a call from one of the Deans of AIM for an interview. It boosted my morale when I realized that they saw my potential as an AIM professor.
• My journal article entitled
  

  Teaching Business Calculus: Methodologies, Techniques, Issues & Prospects

  “Teaching Business Calculus: Methodologies, Techniques, Issues & Prospects” was finally published in January and released February in the DLSU B&E Review Journal.  It was a culmination of my seven years of teaching quantitative courses in DLSU, a fitting adieu and final requirement for my tenure that was never offered at all.  I can proudly say that I gave them ALL what they wanted from me to the very last letter and to the very last day.

• Spent one February evening in Fully Booked at the Fort. I saw a good old friend of mine, Didu Lopez and his family. His Dad is a Dean in AIM and his mom is a Dean in Assumption College and we all had coffee in Starbucks. It was a night where my soul was saved and redeemed.
• Work in DLSU never got any easier. I had another brushoff with a different lawyer who was extremely mean and insulting. In a meeting, he laughed at me for doing my best in running that office. In a closed door conversation, my boss even justified his bad behavior in several occasions. I just couldn’t see myself working in that kind of environment anymore where insults and manipulations are tolerated considering that the office I ran is under that mean lawyer who doesn’t want anything to do with that. IBS was then lodged with the BM department. So there goes my two years of hardwork, people can just pull the rug under me. Never has a sign been much clearer that I really have to go.
• I finally accepted the offer of Assumption College. I have finally found a new lease in life…a brand new place where I can start anew as I gained new friends and experiences.
• I was given the rank of Assistant Professor 5.5 and I was teaching subjects like Financial Management, Econometrics, Managerial Economics, Mathematical Economics, Current Issues & Updates in a place where my heart, mind and soul can be at peace with people I work with. I finally experienced how it is to be like preparing for a PAASCU accreditation. Civilization is just a stone’s throw away in the presence of Ayala Center and I can work and still finish my graduate studies with God’s grace. I have seen the light. Thank you Lord for saving my life and I made it out in one piece. Work is important but it is not the end all and be all of one’s existence.

As I enter my 30s, I learned so many things in life that was never made known to me in the classroom. Everyday is a learning experience. Hopefully, in the next decade, after I finish my Ph.D., I will be finally able to start a family of my own, and finally settle down. If God willing, maybe I can finally get my own car and home and finally work on some long term plans with my life. My 20s was never a walk in the park as most people projected theirs. I just charge everything to experience. Life was never meant to be easy but I am glad that I have learned the art to take it a day at a time now. What is a realization anyway? It is nothing but a snippet of wisdom we accumulate over the years.

366 days. 8,784 hours. 527,040 minutes. A lot of things can happen in one leap year. Indeed, I have taken the mighty leap this past 2008. When things have been said and done, when your future has been decided by people who play God, the real God does the saving in the nick of time. A survivor was lost…then found this past year. Deliverance was granted.

Thank you Lord for that fateful night in Fully Booked in the Fort last March when I met my old highschool classmate and his mom who rescued me from the path of least resistance which leads to a minefield. God is good and He does have a plan for everyone. I am in a better place now. And for the first time in seven years, I am spending a Christmas break at home without worrying about papers to grade, deadlines to meet and bosses to please. It is indeed a homecoming. Though I always go home at the end of the day, when I went home last May 15 from work, there is a feeling that I am finally and truly home again.

This coming 2009, as I turn 30 in four months time, I pray that God will deliver me from people or institutions who see me as a utility function that needs to be maximized subject to a cost constraint or its equivalent dual program of me being a cost function that needs to be minimized subject to a utility function. I also pray that God will make me more aware of people’s intentions. I also pray to the Lord that He will deliver me from people, specifically people at work, who decide my future without my knowledge and consent and will eventually make me suffer in the end because of my ignorance or naivete. I also hope that He will deliver me from people who wash their hands clean out of self-preservation.

The past year Lord, I thank you for making me aware of false promises and Trojan horses. It was indeed an answered prayer.

I also ask for God’s blessings to keep my mom and kid brother safe from harm all the time. I also ask for His gift of wisdom in making decisions and His gift of good health for me and my family.

Though there are a lot of people who did me wrong where forgiving is fairly easy, the forgetting part is more arduous than what I have expected. Going back to that place once or twice a week to finish my Ph.D. is extremely difficult for me. Every step I take in those halls reminds me of a past badly shortchanged I’d rather erase from memory, as if it never existed in my life. I just hope and pray that this coming year, I will finish my remaining 12 units of course work and 6 units of thesis within the soonest time possible so that I can finally and completely move on with my life as I aspire for better things.Lord, as I study Business Ethics and Corporate Social Responsibility in school next term, please grant me the humility to learn from my experience in that place where I will ironically learn these things from. Being asked to report to work in between contracts with no pay and be humiliated by the dismal state of my office prove to be very difficult situations to reconcile with the teachings.

Lord, I also pray that I will get my tenure in Assumption College come Summer 2009 so that I can finally make long-terms plans in my life. This tenure was never granted by my past employer despite 7 years of dedicated, wholehearted and passionate Outstanding service, as a student, professor, and administrator. And Lord, I really don’t want to go back. I am happier now where You have led me. I am grateful for the warm hearted people at work, the very eager and considerate students, and the very nurturing superiors You blessed me with. I ask you dear Lord to bless me with very positive and uplifting experiences this coming year so these shortcomings will be finally buried in the dark abyss of my past never to be recalled again.

When God closes a door, He opens a window. As I have witnessed the realities of life and people’s self-preserving intentions at best, I did lose part of my innocence to the world.

A prayer for a better 2009, for a richer and fuller life, a return to innocence, by a survivor of the past year.

“Return To Innocence” (1994) - Enigma from “The Cross of Changes” (1993)

That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny
Don’t care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don’t give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don’t care what people say
Follow just your own way Follow just your own way
Don’t give up, don’t give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny.

Never look back.  The best is yet to come.  Thank God for an answered prayer, the storm is over.

So what have I been up to lately?  I am gladly settled in my new work cozily located in San Lorenzo Village, just a stone’s throw away from a civilization called Ayala Center.  I started last May 26 and I conquered my fear of heights by rappelling down the gym of Assumption College and doing the trust fall in our faculty team building sessions.  I am teaching Mathematical Economics (ECO3), Introduction to Econometrics (ECO14),  Principles of Management (MGT1) and  Managerial Economics (ECO 9) for the very first time and I am enjoying it a lot.  My students are very nice and pleasant to deal with and I can see their enthusiasm and passion to learn.  I even sang my favorite Richard Marx song called “Right Here Waiting” in the IBES (International Business and Economics Society) General Assembly (ahem, please take note that it is IBES, not IBS).

I was even happier when I was given the rank of Assistant Professor 5.5 (there are halfsteps in the ranking) upon hiring and it feels good to know that I am finally gaining control of my life and to some extent the years of planting are now bearing fruit.  I do not feel like a chess piece being toyed around the tiles anymore and it feels so great and liberating. I read people’s personalities and intentions better now. And I make sure to it that I keep my ace up my sleeve.  I am more reserved now than the eager beaver I was and this time, I swear to God that I will play my cards right.

In my stay so far in the Milleret School of Business & Management for Women (MSBMW),  my students have christened my subject as HALCONOMICS as I teach them to smell the data and talk to the graph when faced an economic problem.  As I aspire to become a better teacher, there is still so much to learn but so little time.  I was finally taken out of the box and now I see that there is indeed a world full of opportunities and while I am still in my twenties, I can still make a difference in my so-called life and turn things around when they go astray. The crisis management I had to go through last summer was worth the experience, it made me smarter than before.  Intelligence quotient has little to do with it.  Emotional quotient made me wonders.

At work, I am fortunate enough to have a very supportive, energetic and a motherly boss, the great Dr. Ma. Corazon T. Lopez, mother of my high school friend Didu Lopez.   I have 4 co-fulltime faculty members in the office and it feels good to be a part of a tightly-knit group.  It feels like family here.  Special thanks to Ms. Evangeline Davila who made my transition to Assumption College much smoother and easier than what I have expected.  Mrs. Davila and I used to teach COMATH1, COMATH2 and COMCALC.

I was even surprised that they elected me as Business Manager of the AC Faculty Club (similar to a Faculty Association).  I joined the faculty and staff choir (I can sing Henry Mancini’s “Moonriver” in bass) and took a little acting lessons (I now know how to project my voice while acting on stage) for a few weeks before dropping out due to my hectic schedule in my Ph.D. studies.  In AC, we have Breaking The Routine every Wednesdays afternoon to attend these sessions to develop the right side of the brain.    I get to use my left brain from teaching Mathematics and Economics.  So far, I have completed 39 units of this advanced degree in Business Studies.  God willing, by next year, I will be writing my dissertation and finally move on to better things.  I earned a 3.500 GPA this 1st Term.  The paper I submitted in the Graduate Seminar in Organizational Behavior class which I titled “The Law of Diminishing Returns & Organizational Behavior: An Analysis of Assumption College’s Best HR Practice in Hiring Faculty Members in Terms of Advanced Degrees” will be made a lead article in the forthcoming special issue of the Research Journal.

Before I bid my twenties goodbye in a few months, allow me to selfishly dedicate this song to myself.   It is good to be self-serving, and self-indulging for a change.  After all, I have don my self-sacrificing cap for seven years and that didn’t do so well.  As I tell my students now, enjoy your youth but do not neglect your responsibilities.  Your 20s come only once in a lifetime.

The Corrs - “So Young” from “Talk On Corners” (1997)

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
We are taking it easy
Bright and breezy, yeah
We are living it up
Just fine and dandy, yeah

We are caught in a haze
On these lazy summer days
We’re spending all of our nights just
Ah - laughing and kissing, yeah

And it really doesn’t matter that we don’t eat
And it really doesn’t matter if we never sleep
No it really doesn’t matter, really doesn’t matter at all

Coz we are so young now, we are so young, so young now
And when tommorow comes, we can do it all again

We are chasin’ the moon
Just running wild and free
We are following through
Every dream and every need

And it really doesn’t matter if we don’t eat
And it really doesn’t matter if we never sleep
No it really doesn’t matter, really doesn’t matter at all

Coz we are so young now, we are so young, so young now
And when tomorrow comes, we can do it all again
Yeah, we are so young now, we are so young, so young now
And when tomorrow comes, we’ll just do it all again
All again, all again, yeah, all again, all again…, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
So young now, we are so young, so young now
And when tomorrow comes, we’ll just do it all again
Yeah, we are so young now, we are so young, so young now
And when tomorrow comes, we’ll just do it all again
We are so young… (Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah-ie Yeah)
We are so young… (Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah-ie Yeah)
We are so young… (Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah-ie Yeah)
Lets do it all again… (Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah-ie Yeah)

2008 Miss Universe Top 15 Bets

1.      

VENEZUELA

– Dayana Mendoza

2.      

PUERTO RICO

– Ingrid Rivera

3.      

INDIA

 – Simran Kaur Mundi

4.      

BRAZIL

 – Natalia Anderle

5.      

MEXICO

 – Elisa Najera

6.      

USA

 – Crystle Stewart

7.      

TRINIDAD

/

TOBAGO

– Anya Ayoung-Chee

8.      

AUSTRALIA

 – Laura Dundovic

9.      KOSOVO – Zana Krasniqi

10. 

PANAMA

 –

Carolina

Dementiev

11. 

SINGAPORE

– Shenise Wong

12. 

THAILAND

 – Gavintra Photijak

13. 

COLOMBIA

– Taliana Vargas

14. 

KOREA

– Sun Lee

15. 

ISRAEL

– Shunit Faragi

"The Heart of the Matter" - Don Henley from "The Age of Innocence" (1989)

I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love’s open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don’t love me anymore
Even if you don’t love me anymore

Tomorrow will be a start of a new chapter in my life, a new beginning in a brand new place.  Tabula rasa.  At this point, I am truly grateful to the Lord for showing me the way, my mom and kid brother who are always so supportive, and my good friends who have shown empathy and concern in the past few months.

Okay, so what I have learned in the past seven years?  To be honest, I did learn a lot.  Seven significant learnings.  They are as follows:

1. Never make the mistake of working for and with your former teachers.  If you think that they are terrorists in the classroom, wait until you get to know them in the workplace.  They could be much worse than you think.  To be fair, not all of them are load-grabbing, backstabbing individuals (you will be surprised that you are the topic for lunch if you were there in the office just to use the computer), a rare bunch will always be true and pleasant to deal with.  However, there will still be exceptions to the rule.  After years of working with them, it will make you want to demand back every hard-earned penny (every single cent) your parents used to send you to school.  You will feel like a jackass in the end for believing every word they said, from teaching you to pray when you were a kid (I worked for my former Christian Living and Physics teachers for a year you know?) to explaining the "dynamics" of the exchange rate (As economists, they are wonderful utility maximizers).  When your work, career and future are at stake, they are there to make decisions for you without your knowledge and consent and you will be the last to know since to their eyes, you are still a student even though you have been around for almost a decade playing the game.  Kasalanan ko rin kasi, di kasi ako tsismoso.  I hate tsismis.  You will never be too old enough to be taken seriously.  Oh, did I tell you that they will be the first to laugh at your miserable condition when you are just telling everyone that you are just trying your best?  It is a vicious struggle.  They even have the uncanny capability of embarrassing you in front of your own faculty members:  So much for teaching me good manners and right conduct.  Since you have joined their ranks, not only are you seen by them as their former student but also part of the competition, so all the "market" forces will connive and be in motion to eliminate you out of the game.  Sooner or later, it will be a reality TV show from hell since the system has a built-in automatic eject mechanism. 
2. Never love your work to the point that you are miserable.  If you do, you will find yourself in a marriage you want to get out of ASAP.  Okay, so I have been too dedicated to my work to the extent that the fruits of my hard labor will then be ceded to the Communist Party.  Patty Smyth was correct when she belted "Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough" in 1992.  Okay, so seven Outstanding Teaching Evaluations with a record high of 4.8195 out of 5.0000 from teaching QUATECH will never be enough.  God, I would love to trade those Outstanding Evaluations for 7 #1 singles in the Billboard Hot 100 as a producer or songwriter or artist or seven Academy Award nominations for "Travails of a Poor Schoolteacher".  Frankly speaking, Robin Williams‘ portrayal of a professor in Dead Poets Society is nothing compared to my lifestory.  Being an Outstanding Administrator will not do too.  Remember that in real life, it is just work.  You do it to survive.  Doing it for passion is pointless and useless.  All heroes end up 6 feet below the ground.  Well, I was in my early 20s.  Now that I have realized that it had me stuck in a rut, it is time to switch strategies while I still can.  In the process of loving your work, you lose yourself.  You will lose the idea of living your dream.  So go for it while you still can. 
3. Learn to fight back and question authority.  In a place where they have the right to use and abuse you (being asked to run an office with no identity for two more years with no faculty and staff is the most absurd idea of all), I think it is human nature to cry foul.  However, our society’s norms forbid us to do so.  They are there to squeeze every drop of life from you but you have no right to yelp, to cry, to plead mercy, to say "Ouch!".  In the poorest countries in Africa, if you leave your car on the road in the evening, by dawn it will be cannibalized to the very last piece: from the steering wheel to the cigarette lighter.  The same thing goes for the human soul in real life.  In the end, they will laugh and poke fun at your miserable condition but you have no right to cry.  You have no right to complain.  You have no right to be hurt.  I just learned how to fight back and question authority in the last minute, when four new avenues in my life just opened.
4. Never show people that you are capable and able beyond their expectations.  As a corollary to #3 above, it is natural for people to expect more and more and more.  People are insatiable utility maximizers.  In the end, you have nothing else to give, nothing else to offer.  You will be left with an unrecognizable form of yourself since the irreparable damage has been done.  Go find your limit (See, I told you that Calculus has real life applications).
5. Learn to read signs.  People tell you that they appreciate your work but their actions indicate otherwise.  They pat you in the back for a job well done but they beat the crap  outta you.  If the red carpet leads you out, make a mad dash for it while you still can.  You will find yourself to have the makings of a great triathlete.  Remember that the world is big, you need not be too shortsighted and narrowminded. 
6. There is no such thing as loyalty.  Recall that Jesus was not even accepted by Jews in His time.  If studying from Prep to Ph.D. in the same institution will not do the trick, I don’t know what else will.  Who knows?  I just might find myself grazing in greener pastures under bluer skies in the future. 
7. There are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned.  The world is the biggest classroom of all.  Learn from your past, the future is bright.  There is always a reason why things happen. 

No Mistakes - Patty Smyth (1992)

The summer is gone I can’t believe
It went so fast
Why do only the cold and lonely times
Seem to last
Now it’s late at night I watch you
Sleepin, I wanna wake you up
And tell you I’m sorry, though I know
I can’t make it up
I made my mistakes now baby
But I did the best I could
It takes what it takes and sometimes
It takes longer than it should
To just live the kind of life that
We both have been dreaming of
There are No Mistakes in love

There are No Mistakes now baby
We did the best we could
It takes what it takes and sometimes
And sometimes it’s so hard to understand
And just take the changes that we all
Have been dreaming of
There are No Mistakes in love
There are No Mistakes in love
Oh there are No Mistakes in love…

I am eagerly anticipating a new chapter of my life.  Saying goodbye to something that you have known for such a long time requires guts of steel.  I am excited to start a clean slate in my newfound home.  I have this strong feeling that I will be happier and more fulfilled here.  A place where I can have clout and stability.

Finally, I am about to break free and about to leave behind all these excess baggage that weigh my soul down.  No more people who will decide my future without my consent and knowledge.  No more people who will demeaningly laugh and insult my work in public fora after telling everyone that I am just trying my best.  Being asked to run something for another two years with little or no support is the last straw.  I am no machine.  I refuse to be the all-around rubber stopper deliberately placed to stop a leak.  I refuse to be the doormat and the laughing stock anymore.  When you lose respect for people whom you admire and look up to for quite some time, I guess there is no more mending.  It is hard to work in place where you are always seen as the "kid" who just joined yesterday.  Some people were surprised that I have been around for seven years, even my bosses.  After all this time, security guards in campus and even office staff think that I am still a student.  I guess to earn the tiniest iota of respect of the community, they expect me to be a relic from the Jurrasic period, some bone or artifact that needs carbon dating.  Truth be told, my dad was frustrated when I told him that I wanted a career with what I have been doing for the longest time.  Now I know why.  There is always wisdom in the words of parents.  Maybe he saw me getting hurt in the long run maybe that’s why he expressed his concern and I was just too idealistic and naive to realize it at the age of 22.   Heck, if I could go back to 2001, I will beat myself up.  I want to prevent myself from doing something that will become a habit and yet, just regret it down the road.  Then again, that’s the price of youth and idealism.  I just woke up one day and realized that I’m pushing 30 and I am not even in a stable position, that seven years have passed me by…my precious 20s, the most energetic and passionate years of my life.  Despite all the hardwork, some people just refuse to treat me right and offer me the stability and security that I deserve.  The bright side of it all: It is a wonderful realization that there is a world out there full of opportunities.  All you have to do is to take the big leap and the challenge.  Sometimes, we are just too myopic to see the bigger picture.  God is indeed good.  He does save people.  Call it chance, destiny or fate but I got a job offer just by running into a friend and his parents in a specialty bookstore in The Fort with me on a whim for buying a CD or two. 

The Emancipation of Eric…to be released May 15, 2008.

Time to Shake It Off, Migrate and say Bye Bye.  The future begins someplace else.

"Shake It Off" - Mariah Carey from "The Emancipation of Mimi" (2005)

[ JD ]
Everybody just, everybody
just bounce, bounce
Everybody just, everybody
just bounce, bounce

[ JD & Mariah Carey ] (fades)
Everybody just, everybody
just bounce, bounce
Shake it off
Everybody just, everybody
just bounce, bounce

"Migrate" - Mariah Carey featuring T-Pain from "E=MC2" (2008)

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce
Keep it movin… Bounce
Keep it movin… Bounce
Keep it movin… Bounce
Keep it movin… Bounce

Soon as we walk through the door
Fellas be grabbin’ at us like "yo"
Tryin’ to get us goin’ off the Patron… slow
We sippin’ Grigio, slow
If you’re inked up thuggin’ that swag I like
Face body and Lamborghini outside
Obviously boy you qualify
Otherwise migrate… bye
Keep it movin’ Bounce

"Bye Bye" - Mariah Carey from "E=MC2" (2008)

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky ‘cause we will never say bye

Chorus
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
“I wish I could talk to you for awhile”
“I wish I could find a way try not to cry”
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I’ll give the world to see your face
And I’m bragging right next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

The number seven has played a huge significance in my life.  My mom and dad have an age gap of seven years.  It took them seven years before they had me.  It took another seven years before I had a baby brother.  Recently, it took me another dose of seven years before I had the complete guts to say goodbye to the first job I technically had in a school that has been my home for 11 years, and in an institution that has molded me for 23 years, from preschool to Ph.D.

I remember the dates perfectly well like it was just yesterday.  I remember that I became a student of the school in June 2, 1997.  I graduated from college in April 7, 2001 (my birthday) and I marched in June 16, 2001.  I was hired as part-time faculty member in June 5, 2001 by the Mathematics Department, College of Science and it kept the ball rolling.  I resigned as full-time faculty and as IBS Director last April 15, effective May 15, 2008.

A lot of things have happened in the past seven years.  It is a rollercoaster ride with endless twists and turns.  There were a lot of happy memories but lately, I guess the critical ones that finally pushed me to throw in the towel were the ones that transpired over the past 12 months.  You wish people well in their endeavors.  It is hard to say goodbye to something or someone you have known for the longest time.  But if I stay, I guess I will just hurt myself even more and I will never be the same person again to the extent that there is no more mending.  I have no plans of becoming a broken soul, I want goodness to stay in me.  I always believed that when God closes a door, he opens a window.  Now, I fully understand the truth behind this adage.  I used to tell my students in BUSORGA to think out of the box and see the bigger picture.  Being so absorbed by everything else, I failed to realize the wisdom in my own teachings. 

When everything has been said and done, all I can do is move on.  Cheers to the next seven years ahead.  If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere.

"Say" - John Mayer from "The Bucket List" (2007)

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

In a week’s time, I will be turning 29.  It is full steam ahead to middle age.  Before I know it, I will be pushing 40, then 50 and 60.  If God will fatefully allow, maybe I will witness my 70s or even 80s.  I am hopeful that I am capable of even outliving my father and my grandfathers. 

As I look back, I’m grateful that I have been blessed with the opportunity to have lived another year of my life throughout its ups and downs.  For several years now, I have been stuck in a rut that I just thought there is no getting out of.  Maybe it was just that I loved what I was doing so much that I got so preoccupied that my 20s just passed me by.  Despite the dedication and unconditional love I have shown and given to what I was doing, I woke up one day and I realized I simply got nowhere and I realized that I am digging my own grave.  Maybe I loved what I was doing so much to the extent that I am hurting myself and eventually I became too attached to it.  I also realized that I am unhappy and miserable with what I was doing.  Being the blunt of jokes despite giving your very best and people making decisions for you without your consent are the worst things that happened to me, thank God that He has given me the grace to pull through.  It has been a tough year and thank God that in a few weeks, come May, it will be all over.  He did send some angels to save me and a window of endless opportunities was finally opened.  There is my Mom, and younger brother Don, Lina, Paul, Sir Francis, Malou, a handful of people in school, some relatives, and a few good friends from way back when.  They are the angels that came with the several rays of light that pierced through the cloudy skies covering my little world.  I guess giving your best means nothing to some but a trivial laughing matter.  All this time, I felt like I am just a piece of gum intentionally slapped on the hole of an enormous dam about to give way.  Imagine, a small piece of gum against the force exerted by millions of gallons of water.  At times, I felt like a toy discarded and manipulated by the owner at his or her own accord and whim.  At times, I felt like a soldier, a prisoner of war.  Finally, things are falling into place and the dust is finally about to settle.  In my life, things usually come when I no longer need them.  But thank God for these angels, they are right on time. 

Modesty aside, now that I am about to hit my 30s, I should be in a situation or in a place that can offer me stability, security and growth.  I was 21 or 22 then, full of idealism, energy and dreams.  Regretfully, I yearn for my 20s again.  I want my time back.  I long for my innocence again.  I need my boundless energy once more. 

I guess the perfect birthday gift I could give myself this year is the gift of freedom.  I hope it is not too late to turn this life of my mine around.  It is a good thing that I woke up before things got any worse.  Closing a chapter in one’s life just to start anew is an arduous task one’s soul has to bear.  Thank God for some angels on full steam ahead.

I’m Your Angel - Celine Dion & R. Kelly (1998)

[Celine]
No mountain’s too high for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No river’s too wide for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

[Repeat 1 until fade]